Category Archives: Psychology

‘I just want someone to love me’

“I just want someone to love me.” Let’s think about this phrase for a minute. I hear it quite often. 

While it might seem harmless on the surface, is it really? It’s true—everyone does want to be loved. Everyone wants to feel cared for, appreciated, and truly madly loved. But this method of thinking about it is dangerous. This thought process could be what is leading some of us into bad relationships. 

We are thinking we want this one thing so badly that we are losing touch of the process of connecting with another. We are losing ourselves. We are desperate to be loved by another that we are jumping into any old relationship and staying in it—whether we are happy or not — because we want to feel loved. We want to be loved. 

Fill your own bucket

Are you relying on someone else to fill your bucket? What about you? What about your goals, your hopes, and dreams, the stuff that makes you special. You need to work on filling your own bucket and finding that love inside you so you are not so reliant on others. Learn to love yourself. It can be a difficult thing to do but it is crucial to your happiness. The only person you can ever truly rely on in life is yourself. You need to take care of you, to trust in yourself so that you can find that true connection with another. 

It is amazing what can happen when we love ourselves. The relationships we get into are healthy ones, they are beneficial to us and truly meaningful. They are not born out of desperation or need but rather true attraction and connection. So rather than relying on others, we need to start relying on ourselves. Fill your bucket. Do what you need to do for you before you go hunting for love. 

Self-Esteem: Men vs. Women

Self-esteem is a tricky thing. It plays an important role in our lives. It influences how we act around others, the decisions we make, how motivated we are in our career, and how we feel in our own skin. It is at our very core as people. And, while it is a crucial factor for both men and women, the way the different genders find that self-esteem, determine their self-worth, is very different. 

Men find self-esteem internally. It is based on their personal accomplishments, things they are proud of. Maybe it is fixing a car, repairing a household appliance, achieving a career goal, or tackling a level in a video game. Regardless it is not about someone else telling them they did a good job, it is about that internal celebration and belief in themselves. That is not to say that it doesn’t help to have praise, but men don’t need it to find their self-esteem. 

Women, on the other hand, tend to find their self-esteem externally. They rely more on external validation — be it praise, a “good job,” a smile, hug, laugh, whatever it may be. Women, while they might know deep inside that they have done a good job, still need to hear it from others. They have a harder time trusting in themselves and a harder time feeling good about their achievements without receiving some type of external validation. This is also why women tend to spend a lot more time worrying about their outward appearance — be it the cleanliness or look of their home, or their personal appearance. 

You don’t see a lot of men worrying about the look of their wallet, and a lot more men are inclined to go out in sweats and not care what others think of them. Whereas a lot of women won’t leave the house without makeup or their hair done. 

It is these differences that can make it harder for women to have high self-esteem. Women worry much more about what others are thinking of them than men do. I frequently encourage women to look deep inside and find those good qualities about themselves and to let go of what others may think. What is inside is what really counts, and how we talk to ourselves can make a big difference. 

People-Pleasing Versus Generosity

Do not mistake the two. They might seem similar but they are far from it. There are some big differences between people-pleasing and being generous with people.

People-pleasing is an unintentional behavior that often leads to avoidance, anxiety, resentment. It is full of fear of rejection and potential judgment of others. It comes from a place of wanting to fit in, to not make others mad, and to come off as someone different than we are. People-pleasing is often a factor in low self-confidence and feeling like we “have” to do something in order to make others like us.

Being generous comes from the heart. It is intentional. It is something we want to do. It is an action done not by trying to fill a void but because we genuinely enjoy doing it. 

People-pleasers are the ones who never say “no.” They often stretch themselves so thin that they have nothing left for themselves or for the things they really do want to do. This behavior often leads to an unhealthy lifestyle, and the placing of “self-care” on the back-burner indefinitely. People-pleasers rarely show their true feelings. They always have a smile on their face.

People who act out of generosity live a more fulfilled life. They feel good about the things they are doing. They don’t feel like they need or deserve, anything in return because the real return is in the value of what they are doing. 

So, while being generous and people-pleasing can both be seen as acts of kindness on the surface one is a healthy action while the other can lead to a toxic lifestyle. Make the decision to change your people-pleasing ways and live a happier, calmer life. Make 2019 the year of you. Do what makes you feel good. Be yourself, stop pretending, and appreciate you for all the beautiful things about who you are.

Let’s end the habit of decoding other people

Imagine a life that didn’t revolve around what you think another person is thinking. Or what you think another person wants or expects from you. It’s called people-pleasing and let’s make the conscious choice to end the habit. 

Imagine how less stressed and overwhelmed you would feel if you didn’t put so much energy into making sure everyone else is happy. There is a difference between doing things out of the goodness of your heart and doing things just to “look good.” Rather let’s stop hiding behind our fears of potentially upsetting someone, or not coming off as “perfect” as we think others should see us — and be ourselves. 

Ending people-pleasing means more time for ourselves. It means less worry over the upcoming get-together, the side dish you are bringing to dinner, the outfit you want to wear because it’s comfortable. When you do things because you truly want to do them they leave you feeling good, whereas a life of people-pleasing generally makes us feel resentful, bitter, and stressed. People-pleasing keeps us up at night. It makes us dread events, meetings, occasions that don’t have to cause us stress. 

Let’s start by being more self-aware. When you feel overwhelmed, stressed reevaluate the reasons why you feel that way, chances are much of it is because of the intense energy you are putting into pleasing others. Recognize what you need to do for yourself and stand up for you. It is ok to say “no” if something is stressing you out. It is ok to not perform an action in the exact way someone else expects you to. It could be as simple as choosing to not answer the phone or staying home to read a book instead of attending a party. 

Do this and your New Year’s resolution will stick

The time is upon us. It is a new year. Time to start making those resolutions. But, the real challenge is not making the resolution. It is not coming up with a plan to achieve that resolution, but rather it is keeping it. It is sticking to your word, obeying your subconscious mind. Statistics show that only 9.2 percent of people will ever achieve their New Year’s resolutions. Less than 10 percent of us stick to our word and break free of bad habits. 

So, what do we do to keep them? How do we change this mindset that leads to failure? 

The real problem is not that we are setting a goal for ourselves. I see people achieve personal goals all the time. It is not that we can’t do it. I know that we can. It is about how we see a New Year’s resolution versus a personal goal. Rather than tying a goal to the New Year, simply set a goal. Don’t give yourself a time frame. 

Our brains’ seem to be attached to that phrase “New Year” and after a week or two into the month, that goal doesn’t seem to matter as much. After all, it is not the “new year” anymore so why does a resolution matter? That goal starts to dwindle and the new becomes old. 

Instead, make a change. Make a change in your life for the better. Whatever it is you need. Set out to achieve the things that will help you to live your best life. Break free from old habits. Learn to love yourself a little better. Set aside time for you. But drop the phrase “New Year” resolution and instead resolve to make a positive change for you. You can make positive changes anytime throughout your life, they don’t have to start or end with a change in the calendar.

What changes are you making this year?

Statistic Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/306400

Dad, I miss you more than ever.

I miss my father more than ever. He died when I was just 10 years old. 

He died around the holiday season making this time of the year difficult for my family and me. 

After he passed, I took his cigar box from my mom and I have had it ever since. Its always had a spot in my home. It’s a piece of him that I hold dear. Whenever I want to connect with him, I find myself talking to the box. I put special things in the box, written wishes, and goals for the next year. It’s like talking to him. 

Most times when I am talking to the box, I am also crying. I cry because I miss him. I am grieving him because I loved him. It has been difficult but I recognize that those tears come from my sadness that he is no longer with us. 

Grief is a testament to love. Love is such a beautiful, complex yet simple, thing. I hate that I feel sad and miss my dad but I am so very glad I got to love him. I would not have it any other way. I would much rather have a  love that turns into grief than to never have loved at all. 

Other people, I have talked to have similar, yet different, ways of connecting with their loved ones who are no longer around. For some it is continuing on with a tradition, wearing a special outfit, looking at the stars, reading a card, attending a religious ceremony, wearing a piece of jewelry — whatever it is, however you choose to connect is personal and unique to your situation. 

How do you choose to connect with your loved ones when they are no longer around? 

Vicarious Joy To The World!

You have probably heard the phrase before — “live vicariously.” Turns out it’s more than just a phrase. People really do feel the emotions of others. 

There is a realm of psychology referred to as “vicarious emotions.” This means that we experience the emotions of those around us. For example, maybe you have a friend who lost a sibling and you never met the sibling but you still feel heartbroken. Or maybe you had a spouse involved in some kind of personal trauma, and while you weren’t there in person you still feel pain.

A Psychology Today article by Dr. Robert Muller sites “vicarious trauma can be best understood as the absorbing of another person’s trauma, the transformation of the helper’s inner sense of identity and experience. It is what happens to your physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual health in response to someone else’s traumatic history.” This is vicarious trauma, but there is also vicarious joy.

You can experience the joy of others by being around them. Maybe its a friend who just got a promotion and you are beyond excited for him/her/them, or maybe a friend who has been trying to have a baby just got pregnant and you are suddenly overwhelmed with joy. Vicarious joy is also another reason to do good for others through charities or philanthropic work. When you are in a situation where you are helping others and they feel appreciated, that joy rubs off on you. You start to feel happier because those around you are also happy. 

Vicarious joy can also be learned by children. The more our children are exposed to happy environments, the happier more joyful children we will raise. By engaging our children in volunteering or other ways of helping others they will learn to be more joyful.  

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201308/vicarious-trauma-and-the-professional-interpreter

How to live the fullest with the holiday blues

The holidays can be a time for joy, happiness, appreciation but they can also trigger sadness, depression, and remind us of things we are missing. These feelings are so common they have a name — the Holiday Blues. 

Around this time of the year, I frequently encounter clients who are struggling with loss in their family, financial issues, mental health, etc. They often ask me what they can do to get out of their funk. On top of therapy, medication, proper nutrition, and physical activity the main thing we need to do when we are struggling is to avoid isolation. When we are down and we isolate ourselves it escalates those negative feelings. 

Turn negative into positive

Doing something nice for others by giving part of yourself helps to get people out of isolation and feel good when they see the joy of others. Through volunteering, cooking a meal, cleaning a house, or baking cookies for others in need you can help yourself while also helping others. When we see the joy of others achieved through our efforts it helps to lift us up and feel good about the way we are spending our days. 

It is hard to get through the holiday season when you focus on all the things that have gone wrong throughout the year, or all the things that are missing. When you turn that negative energy into something positive it can help you get through this otherwise hard time more easily, and might also give you a reason to smile. 

If you are wondering where to start, here are some websites to help:

National Coalition for the Homeless: https://nationalhomeless.org

Volunteer Match: https://www.volunteermatch.org

Create The Good: http://createthegood.org

How much should you tell your new BF about your past?

People come and go out of our lives, friendships change and evolve, and new people fall into the role of best friend. When this happens there is often a series of thoughts that go through our heads — what do they need to know? What should I tell them about my past?

There is no hard and fast rule. There is not necessarily a reason why you need to tell but there may not be a reason why you shouldn’t. If this person is your new best friend chances are things will come up over time as your comfort level and different situations present themselves. 

If you decide that you should tell him, her, or they about something that happened in your past you first need to figure out why. Why do you want to tell your new best friend this thing? Is it part of who you are? How does it align with your personal compass? Does it impact your current life? Is it something that you just feel you need to get off your chest? Whatever the reason, and there are a million different scenarios, make sure you are comfortable with your purpose for sharing. Once you share, you can’t take it back. 

After you decide to confide in them, you are in control. You decide when you want to tell, how, and what. The ball is in your court. You don’t have to divulge more than you would like. Be clear with the person about how it aligns with your personal values. Let them know why you are telling them these things. Maybe you were in an abusive relationship and now you have trouble entering new relationships, maybe you were in a bad car accident that makes it hard for you to drive, maybe you lost a family member in a tragic way and now avoid certain situations, whatever it is, why you want to tell, it is all up to you. Don’t feel pressured to share anything you are not comfortable with. 

How much do you think you should divulge about your past? 

Are we forgetting about mothers?

I don’t pose that question lightly. It is a topic worthy of our thought, our discussion. It is a reality that demands to be paid attention to. 

We rush to the hospital to give birth to our precious babies who quickly become the center of our worlds. They are carefully looked over and checked up on with appointment after appointment. All the weight checks, the shots, the checking to make sure their hearts sound well, their joints are developing correctly, it goes on and on..and for good reason. These are our babies and they are small and tiny, and oh so new to this world. We should be paying attention to their health and their development but what about moms? 

Moms are sent home from the hospital after just going through a major life transformation with some guidelines, maybe a painkiller or two, and in many cases a few stitches. They aren’t followed up with. They are supposed to figure it out. It is their God-given ability to be a mother, so they should just know how to do it, right? Society expects that mom will seamlessly adjust. She will adjust to this new normal with little help. Yea, it won’t be easy but she will get through. The only follow-up she has to look forward to is six-to-eight weeks postpartum when in many cases her incisions are looked over and she is sent on her way. 

There is no depression screening, no required well check, no one helping mom adjust. Mothers need to be ok too. After all, happy mothers raise happy children. It is hard to care for anyone if you don’t first care for yourself. Let’s check in with our mothers. Ask if they are ok. Make sure they are ok. Let’s listen to our mothers, hear their cries for help and honor their need for support even when they themselves might not realize how much they need it. It takes a village to raise a child, that is for sure. We can’t expect a mother just because she has a uterus to suddenly be thrown into a whole new world like nothing ever happened. It is a shock to the system. She deserves support and she needs it.