Category Archives: Parenting

Anxious Attachment is Harmful to Teens

Is your teen falling for someone easily? Are they easy to pick a fight? They likely have an anxious attachment style. 

Anxious attachment is something that develops when a child is young based on their relationship with their primary caregivers. In many cases it is a result of a parent who sometimes was very in-tune to their child’s emotional needs while in other cases was emotionally unavailable, creating confusion for the child on what to expect when turning to a parent. These children, as a result, often develop clingy tendencies as they have learned the best way to get their needs met is to cling to their parent. 

As that child turns into a teen, that anxious attachment manifests in other ways—jealousy, insecurities, over-dependence on a partner. This can be dangerous to teens who instead of focusing on their self-growth become dependent on their relationships to determine their self-worth. They grow emotionally desperate and can become over-bearing for their partners. These teens and adults are often always looking for ways the relationship is going to end, anticipating that they will ultimately be rejected. 

As a teen who is already going through a lot of changes and confusion in their life, anxious attachment puts them more at risk for unhealthy behaviors. They are more likely to do whatever they can to get the attention and acceptance of others around them, and likewise, they are deeply hurt and distraught at any actions of rejection. They become angry when they don’t receive the attention and reassurance they need from their relationships. It can lead to unhealthy patterns that can follow them through adulthood. 

By recognizing that your teen may have an anxious attachment style, you can help them change their patterns and get the help they need to become confident, healthy adults. Licensed mental health professionals have tools to assist in helping teens to feel more comfortable in their skin, more self-confident, and secure. Your teen can be taught how a healthy relationship should look. 

Source: https://www.psychalive.org/understanding-ambivalent-anxious-attachment

Teaching your teen honesty

The teenage years are crucial for a number of reasons—personal and emotional development, self-confidence, and it’s usually your last chance to have your child at home. While your teen is still living under the same roof, it’s a great time to teach them the tools for healthy relationships that can set them up for life. 

Teach your teens to be honest and upfront. It is always easiest to “ghost”—or avoid—an uncomfortable situation. Many teens fear confrontation and would rather walk away, not answer the phone, not reply to the text, not speak to a person, etc. This is avoidance and it is not healthy for any relationship. It is passive-aggressive behavior that can be harmful in adult life in many ways, not just romantically. It can impact jobs, professional relationships, friendships, etc. 

You can help discourage your teen from ghosting by setting an example. If they do something approach them about it, rather than ignoring. Have the conversations. Open the doors to communication. Teach your teen the benefits of honesty. It may be uncomfortable for a bit, it may result in anger or distress, but ultimately it will lead to better results. Relief off your chest. Forgiveness. Openness. Respect for others. If your teen shares with you issues at school, work, or in friendships encourage them to face their problems head-on. 

Explain to your teen that avoiding problems usually leads them to compound into bigger issues later. By taking the small steps to act on issues as they come up, they will be setting the stage to have better relationships with those around them, to make smarter decisions, and to open more doors personally and professionally. Nobody likes a ghoster. Teach your teen that ghosting can be seen as disrespectful, weak, and “giving up.” 

As a parent you want your teen to be successful in life. You want them to make smart choices and be respectful to others. These are important lessons that you have the ability to teach them before they experience the harshness of the world on their own. Even if you aren’t really sure if your teen is listening or absorbing the information you are trying to teach them, keep at it. Setting an example as a parent can go a long way.

Why tracking your teen’s sleep is important

Sleep is super important, especially for growing minds. It is as vital to your health as the food you eat and the water you drink. Yet so many of us, especially our children and teens, are not getting enough good quality zzzzs. 

The National Sleep Foundation reports that teens need between 8 and 10 hours of high quality sleep each night to function at their best, yet only 15 % report getting that much on school nights. Even if you know your child is going to bed at a certain time and waking up at a certain time each day, it is the quality of sleep that matters more than the quantity. Many teens and adults suffer from treatable sleep disorders such as narcolepsy, insomnia, restless legs syndrome, or sleep apnea but many don’t know it. By tracking your child’s sleep using a Fitbit, Apple watch or another device, you can get a better idea of how your child is really sleeping. 

Lack of sleep makes it hard to focus, contributing to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and solve problems. Tired kids and adults have a hard time learning and absorbing information.  It can also contribute to aggressive behaviors, unhealthy eating and weight gain, acne, and increased use of substances like alcohol and nicotine. 

Cognitive Behavior Therapy can help to treat insomnia and give your teen the tools he/she/they need to fall asleep and stay asleep. Other conditions like sleep apnea may require more medical attention. If your child is displaying unhealthy sleep patterns it is recommended that you seek advice from a licensed medical professional. 

Sleep needs to be a priority in your teen’s life. Limiting screen time, caffeinated drinks/pills, and stressful behaviors before bed along with setting a strict bedtime can help to establish a regular schedule and ensure your teen is getting the rest they need to function at their best. Keeping the same nighttime routine can make sleep easier. 

SOURCE:

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/teens-and-sleep

This is why ‘mom brain’ exists

Moms are always doing a million different things — thinking about what to make for dinner when to get the laundry done, what to get at the grocery store, when to practice spelling words and work on that school project. We are answering calls from doctors offices, trying to schedule playdates, and for some, we are working on our careers outside the home. It is non-stop. We end up forgetting things, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and just “not ourselves.” This has become known as “mom brain.” 

The science of decision fatigue

Research from neuroscientists around the world point out some of the reasons why this phenomenon exists and it comes down to multitasking and decision fatigue. From the moment moms wake up to the moment they go to bed they are faced with question after question, tasks to be done, decisions to be made. If you have young kids chances are you often feel like your head is moving in a 100 different directions at one time. 

All of the stuff we are taking on on a daily basis is causing us to miss things, make mistakes, forget next steps. But, it’s not all bad research shows that our brains change after having children to be more responsive to our children and aware of their needs. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting. So what can we do to improve our “mom brain,” and improve our emotional health as parents? 

Start by implementing processes to minimize decisions. Establish routines and things will become commonplace rather than something you have to think about. For example, every night before you go to bed take care of lunches, clothing options, etc. Have the kids make their beds before they leave their rooms. Have them decide what they want for breakfast, and ask for their help in making lunches/breakfasts the night before. If you have school-age kids put a note on the front door to remind them of the things they need to bring to school with them and leave it up to them. Have them get in the habit of getting homework out and giving you all notes from teachers the second they get home from school. It is these small steps that can help minimize decision fatigue. 

Involve the rest of the family

Eliminate the dreaded meal choice by putting dinner options in a bag and having the children pick from it. Plan meals out on Sunday so you don’t have to worry about them the rest of the week. Stop trying to please everyone. Have those who complain about their meals make their own food. 

Remember lists are your friend. Use them. Write down what you need to accomplish for the day or the week and then you will feel like you have less running through your head. Organize your days and your thoughts will follow. 

Acknowledge that “mom brain” actually does exist, and understand you are not alone. Every mom is struggling to keep on top of everything (even if they look like they have it all figured out). It is ok to ask for help (in fact, it’s encouraged), and take time to care for you.

Source: 

Thrive Global 

Psychology Today

The best time to be a stay-at-home parent isn’t what you think…

Being home with your children when they are babies is full of cuddles and cuteness. It can be a great experience for mom and child. But, if you are forced to choose a time in your child’s life to be home with them, or even to cut hours at work to be more available, it’s not when they are babies. 

I hear the shock and awe—and maybe even anger—at that statement but before you get all hot and bothered at the idea that I am recommending you skip the extra cuddles and kisses, hear me out. Yes, when our children are babies it is a beautiful, wonderful time in their lives and if you are able to be home with them that can be a wonderful gift. But, when it comes to your child’s needs, safety, and your mental sanity, the best time to be home with them is the middle and high school years. 

Middle and high school is a rough age. There is a lot going on with your child’s body, socially, and mentally. They need you more. They are becoming teenagers, daring kids. They are breaking boundaries, stepping outside of comfort zones, and defying your wishes. You are likely beginning to worry quite a bit about what they are up to. You are concerned about their health and their behaviors. The reason to stay home with your child in middle/high school is to protect them. 

Babies are adorable. They are cute. They are cuddly, and yes I encourage you to soak all that up. Cherish those moments. But, if you are a forced to choose a time to be home more, think about what might impact them more as adults, think about all the realities they are being faced with as teenagers and choose to be there for them. These are crucial years in your child’s life. They are likely feeling a lot of uncertainty and confusion. They are trying to fit in with their peers, be the “cool” kid, and they think they are smarter and more mature than they really are. It is a fantastic time to be on top of them. To teach them valuable life lessons. To make sure they are sticking to their word. And, to show them you support them, you love them, and you just want the very best for them. They may not engage with you fully, the way they did as a kid, but be present with them and catch them when they fall.

Let me be clear—if you don’t need to make the choice about when to be home, then great, and if you have no choice but to work, that is ok too. Don’t kick yourself if you can’t stay home, and if you don’t want to give up your career entirely you definitely do not need to be home full-time. There is nothing that says you have to be home with your child but regardless try to be present with them as much as possible. 

What to do when your daughter says she’s fat

We frequently think of teenagers as being the ones struggling with image issues, calling themselves “fat,” and starving themselves. But, body image issues can start much earlier. 

Recently the mother of one of my daughter’s six-year-old classmates told me her daughter had stopped eating ice cream because she thinks she is the “fattest in the class.” Last year, my daughter had the same issue. She wouldn’t eat because she also believed she was the “fattest in the class” and kept repeating how she thought she was “fat.”

I approached the situation by reminding her that only a doctor can diagnose weight issues. We talked about the meaning of “diagnose” and I asked her to stop diagnosing herself. I also talked to her about science and data, showing her her growth chart. I showed her where she was at and what is considered overweight. The data showed that she was not overweight, confirming that she had no reason to think otherwise. In the end, I told her to stop comparing herself with other kids because we all come in different shapes, colors, and sizes. I encouraged her to let the growth chart speak for itself. Since that conversation, my daughter no longer calls herself “fat” and has resumed eating normally. 

Whether you have a young child or a teen, it is important to deliver a similar message when talking to them about weight. You need to halt these thoughts before they lead to a lifelong self-image issue. As parents, we have the ability to correct these unhealthy thoughts. Rather than brushing them off and insisting that our children eat even when they are refusing for these reasons, present them with the data. Teach them how to think about things logically as a child and you will be setting them up to be a happier adult. 

Teens and Sex: Teens are choosing to have more anal sex now

As a way of avoiding pregnancy, more and more teens are choosing to have anal sex now than ever before. It is more common than you may think — or care to know. I understand it can be difficult to think about, but it’s important for us parents to empower ourselves with updated knowledge about our teen’s world.

In the book Vagina by Naomi Wolf, Wolf writes about how gynecologists report an increase in girls coming to their offices with fissure tears in their anuses from having anal sex. The tears—which are dangerous and susceptible to infection — are happening because no one is teaching people how to have this type of intercourse properly, safely, or pleasurably. 

Despite whether we agree with the act of anal sex or not, it is happening. If you don’t already know the details of it, I believe it is important to learn. The article “Anal Foreplay – The Forgotten Prelude to Anal Sex,” by Jaiya Ma, is the perfect place to start.  Ma, a sexologist, shares knowledge and tips about how to take part in this behavior in a safe and pleasurable manner. She encourages people to take their time and utilize resources to make the experience a positive one for everyone involved. 

As a parent, it’s important for us to understand our teen’s world. Let’s begin with these: 

1.) Read this article, familiarize yourself with it and work through any discomfort surrounding this issue or embrace the opposite. If it lights you up, own it. Allow both to occur. Find out what those emotions are and come to terms with them before approaching the topic with your teen. 

2.) Talk to your teen. Let them know that may encounter (or desire) the suggestion (or make the suggestion) to have anal sex somewhere along the way. Reinforce that she/he has the choice to do whatever they are comfortable with — reinforce the crucial importance of consent. Explain the things about it that can be dangerous and unhealthy, and let them know that there are healthy ways to engage in the act if she/he/they chooses to. If you have a daughter, remind her that it is her responsibility to inform her partner because it is her body, and her health, safety, and pleasure are of paramount importance. 

3.) Give my teen the article to read. Or, if they can bear it, go over the article with them. 

There is no doubt any conversation surrounding sex with your child is difficult, but it is so very important to have these talks and to make sure they have the facts. As a parent, you can obviously address this issue however you want. But I encourage you to discuss it. 

As a counselor, this is part of what I do. I address the uncomfortable areas of parenting and sexuality and try to make it a natural topic of discussion — after all, sexuality is a natural part of life. Our role as parents plays an important part in how our children claim their true sexual expression in life. 

Source:

https://missjaiya.com/anal-foreplay/?fbclid=IwAR0stMMA7R8_u0Om0pFhyq-ED1RPMIE0oxQ638yVcdL9ABW6lJ3JugJMJ_g

Helping your teen navigate holidays post-divorce

Holidays post-divorce are hard for the whole family, especially teenagers who have been used to celebrating as a family-unit their whole lives. Clients frequently come to me this time of the year wondering how they are supposed to help their teens navigate the holidays now that they are no longer with their spouse. 

It is understandably a daunting task and one no parent should take lightly. The holidays are an important time. Post-divorce holidays can be a wonderful time to start new traditions and establish a new normal. 

I encourage parents to get their teens involved. Ask the tough questions — how do you want to spend the holiday? Maybe they will want to go see a movie, have a special meal, or drive around looking at holiday decorations. What is most important to him/her/they? Maybe it is family cooking/baking, or the church pageant? Whatever it is— work with your teen to create a new normal that they will also enjoy and find special. Maybe they want to ditch the fancy meal and instead order takeout in their pajamas. The possibilities are endless. 

The most difficult part of the holidays now is they are a further reminder that things are no longer the same and they never will be. That is hard for anyone to face and can be an extremely emotional time. Working with your teen to create new memories, new events, new traditions will show them that even though things are not the same they can still be special. Your teen needs to see that life will go on and that they will be ok. 

As a parent, who is also going through a lot right now, take the time to listen. Hear out your teen. Consider what is most important to them and do your best to show them they matter. Your new normal will take some time to get used to but it has the potential to be just as incredible (if not more) than before. 

Are we forgetting about mothers?

I don’t pose that question lightly. It is a topic worthy of our thought, our discussion. It is a reality that demands to be paid attention to. 

We rush to the hospital to give birth to our precious babies who quickly become the center of our worlds. They are carefully looked over and checked up on with appointment after appointment. All the weight checks, the shots, the checking to make sure their hearts sound well, their joints are developing correctly, it goes on and on..and for good reason. These are our babies and they are small and tiny, and oh so new to this world. We should be paying attention to their health and their development but what about moms? 

Moms are sent home from the hospital after just going through a major life transformation with some guidelines, maybe a painkiller or two, and in many cases a few stitches. They aren’t followed up with. They are supposed to figure it out. It is their God-given ability to be a mother, so they should just know how to do it, right? Society expects that mom will seamlessly adjust. She will adjust to this new normal with little help. Yea, it won’t be easy but she will get through. The only follow-up she has to look forward to is six-to-eight weeks postpartum when in many cases her incisions are looked over and she is sent on her way. 

There is no depression screening, no required well check, no one helping mom adjust. Mothers need to be ok too. After all, happy mothers raise happy children. It is hard to care for anyone if you don’t first care for yourself. Let’s check in with our mothers. Ask if they are ok. Make sure they are ok. Let’s listen to our mothers, hear their cries for help and honor their need for support even when they themselves might not realize how much they need it. It takes a village to raise a child, that is for sure. We can’t expect a mother just because she has a uterus to suddenly be thrown into a whole new world like nothing ever happened. It is a shock to the system. She deserves support and she needs it. 

Why we shouldn’t unconditionally love

We don’t have to, in fact, we should not, always unconditionally love another. Unconditional love makes sense for things that people have no control over like their skin color, abilities, disabilities, or if they are laid-off from a job. But, when people have a choice and they choose to be unkind we have the right to create boundaries. 

We don’t have to put up with other people taking advantage of us, being mean or rude to us, or hurting us in any way. Saying that we should “always love unconditionally” is saying that we should not consider our own personal wellbeing, our feelings, and emotions about a situation. Instead, it is helpful to look at people and their actions as a choice vs. no choice. 

Loving others for the things they have no choice over is healthy while loving others for the unkind things they choose to do to us is not healthy. We need to stand up for ourselves, protect ourselves from wrongdoing by establishing boundaries with those that are toxic to our wellbeing. Loving unconditionally sets a tone that says people can walk all over us with no consequences.

Unconditional love is great for our children who are young and don’t have the capacity to always understand their actions and how they could be hurtful. But, for a spouse who makes the choice to hurt his/her partner physically or emotionally, we have the right to cut ties and to choose to not love unconditionally. 

What do you think about love? Should it be unconditional?