Tag Archives: history

How to curb your daughter’s people-pleasing behavior

Traditionally women have been taught to not show anger, to be complacent, to hold in their negative emotions. History has also shown us that those behaviors are not a healthy practice for anyone. But, many young women still display these kinds of behaviors. They want to be people-pleasers. They don’t want to make people angry or be the source of any negativity. 

It Is Ok To Stand Up For Yourself

As parents, we want to teach our daughters that it is ok to stand up for themselves. We want to end these people-pleasing behaviors. We want to teach our children that emotions are ok and to not hide them. So how can we curb this behavior?

Show by example. Demonstrate to your child that it is ok to be mad. As a parent, you can be mad without hurting the relationship. You can have a good quality relationship but still show anger. Show your daughter that arguments happen, that sometimes you get angry with your spouse, friends, and her. 

What Really Matters Is How You Repair

Then, show her what really matters is how you repair those arguments. How do you reconcile? When you get into a disagreement with your child show them the healthy ways to repair those mistakes. Talk to your daughter about it, explain the problem, be open with your emotions and your anger and then talk about how things can be done differently next time. 

Lessons For Everyone

These are important lessons as parents. They are difficult ones to teach because we don’t ever want to be the source of anger for our children and we don’t want to yell but we also have to be realistic. We hold the very important role of teaching our children life skills. The examples we set are the things that stick with them in tight moments and throughout their lives. 

Holding it in: When Gender Roles Collide With Marriage

Marriage is not easy. It is a work in progress. It is constantly evolving, changing, expanding. As a marriage counselor, I often see trends in the couples I am seeing—common issues. When these things arise they make me think that these points of contention are not a single relationship issue and more of a common overarching marital issue. 

Gender Roles and Privilege

Over my years I have seen the tone of marriage counseling get harder and deeper as conversations about gender roles and privilege emerge. I hear from wives that they have spent their whole marriage doing nothing but caring for their husband and children and they want time for themselves. They want the autonomy to make their own choices. They want to do things for themselves, make decisions without consulting the other party.

From the men I hear frustration and hurt. They thought they were making decisions with their wives as a unit. They thought these were things they were doing together. The men had assumed a high degree of cohesion. Now that their wives are feeling the need for autonomy, the men are wishing for more consideration of their feelings and needs. 

The wives in these cases are resentful. They feel like they have been attending to their husband’s needs and feelings this whole time and now it is time to care for themselves. 

Overrun With Guilt

The reality of these issues is that women are raised to think they need to be caring for their spouse and their children and putting their needs ahead of their own. This is what history has shown us. These are the examples we were taught. So all this time we are doing these things and keeping our mouths shut. We want to do things for ourselves but instead, we are overrun with guilt. We have this deep-seated obligation to please our spouse whether it hurts us or not. It is something I am not even sure most women think about or realize until they hit a breaking point. 

It is when they hit the point of feeling overwhelmed, not themselves, lost, confused, depressed, whatever it is..it is then that women start to see the way things have been all along. 

Marriages would operate much better if we saw these potential problems from the beginning. If we could communicate to our spouses that we don’t want to stay home with the kids, we don’t want to clean the house by ourselves, we don’t want to cook dinner every night. If we asked our spouses for help. If we were open, honest about our feelings things could be better. 

The key, as it is with most relationships, is communication. It is about having an open, honest dialogue with your spouse. Your happiness matters. Your needs matter. Speak up for what you want. Express concern to your spouse.