Tag Archives: relationship

‘I just want someone to love me’

“I just want someone to love me.” Let’s think about this phrase for a minute. I hear it quite often. 

While it might seem harmless on the surface, is it really? It’s true—everyone does want to be loved. Everyone wants to feel cared for, appreciated, and truly madly loved. But this method of thinking about it is dangerous. This thought process could be what is leading some of us into bad relationships. 

We are thinking we want this one thing so badly that we are losing touch of the process of connecting with another. We are losing ourselves. We are desperate to be loved by another that we are jumping into any old relationship and staying in it—whether we are happy or not — because we want to feel loved. We want to be loved. 

Fill your own bucket

Are you relying on someone else to fill your bucket? What about you? What about your goals, your hopes, and dreams, the stuff that makes you special. You need to work on filling your own bucket and finding that love inside you so you are not so reliant on others. Learn to love yourself. It can be a difficult thing to do but it is crucial to your happiness. The only person you can ever truly rely on in life is yourself. You need to take care of you, to trust in yourself so that you can find that true connection with another. 

It is amazing what can happen when we love ourselves. The relationships we get into are healthy ones, they are beneficial to us and truly meaningful. They are not born out of desperation or need but rather true attraction and connection. So rather than relying on others, we need to start relying on ourselves. Fill your bucket. Do what you need to do for you before you go hunting for love. 

You don’t have to be alone

So often we try to fill the void in our hearts with something. We feel alone, sad like something is missing. We enter relationships with the wrong people. We turn to unhealthy habits like overeating, alcohol, shopping, gambling, or drugs. We are desperately trying to feel whole. In truth, there is only one true thing that can fill that void, one thing that cures our loneliness—its love. But, not love for another or love for a thing, it is love for yourself. 

Learn to love yourself

When you learn to love yourself, you are not alone anymore. You don’t need to find a person, a thing, or a vice to cure your loneliness. You just need to dig deep inside and recognize your inner being, all the beautiful things about you. Now I know that for some of you this is a hard thing to accomplish. It is that voice in your head that is always telling you what you did wrong, how you messed up, how bad you look in that shirt, or how much weight you have put on. And to that, I say— stop! Shut that voice down in your head. Stop the negative self-talk. When you tell yourself something over and over you begin to believe it. It is all you can hear. 

Go out and live your life

Recognize all the good about yourself. And believe me, there is so much of it. Love yourself for the wonderful human being you are. Love yourself for being uniquely you. Identify your strengths, all the positives and lift yourself up. Cut yourself some slack. None of us are perfect. Stop comparing yourself to others. End your loneliness, and love you. Fill that gap with an appreciation for your life and go out and live it. 

How to get over a breakup

No matter what the relationship entails, breaking up is hard. It means change and uncertainty over the future. It can easily unravel your current life as you know it. You are probably feeling overwhelmed with all the emotions as you go through the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. There it is. 

You will get there. You will find acceptance. But how do you do it? How are you suppose to move forward? It is all in the power of your thinking. 

Someone once told me that accepting a break up means there is no future with that ex. No wonder that person was struggling with moving on — why would the heart want to move forward when it sees no future? That is a pretty bleak and daunting way to think about your future life. Rather than looking at the break up as the end of everything, pivot your viewpoint. 

The reality is — we do.not.know if down the road you might have a new beginning with your ex.  So much can happen in the future. You don’t know if you will meet someone new, someone, you have an even stronger connection with. Regardless of what the future may hold, you have to accept the end of this current relationship (as you know it) before you are able to move forward. 

You have to let the death process of the current relationship take place. Travel through those five stages of grief so you can find a new beginning. Don’t prevent yourself from having a future relationship by avoiding acceptance. Just because this one relationship is currently over, does not mean there is no hope for the future. There is so much potential. So many different ways events can take place and shape our lives. Make the conscious choice to change your thinking and find the positive. 

When your BFF doesn’t support your relationship…

You have found “the one.” You are in love and elated. You share your excitement with your best friend expecting to receive support, hugs, and maybe even a “congrats.” But, instead, you are met with disdain. Your friend is less than happy for you. He, she, they thinks you are making a mistake. 

Naturally, you are hurt by this response. This is your best bud and you want he/she/they to be excited for you, supportive, and happy that you have found your person. So what do you do now? You probably feel like you don’t want to talk to this friend about your significant other anymore. But, this is your best friend and your significant other is a huge part of your life. How are you suppose to approach this without getting yourself hurt? Or hurting the friendship?

First of all, who is this friend? Is this a person who usually has good judgment. Do you respect their honest opinion, or are they more of a judgmental-type of person. Are they always looking for the bad to dig out? Are they always poking at the negative? This friend’s personality can help you to determine how much weight you should give to their opinion. 

Second, remember that this is another person’s opinion. It is not yours. In a healthy friendship, there is room for a difference in opinion. You can agree to disagree without harming the relationship. 

Third, listen to your friend. Hear them out. It does not hurt to hear their reasoning and maybe you can provide some insight that they haven’t uncovered or vice versa. It can be helpful to view the relationship from a different angle. There is no need to be dismissive about their opinion. Try to open your mind. 

Fourth, help your friend and your significant other to get to know each other better. Invite your friend to double-date or come over for a game night. Make it a comfortable environment so your friend might be able to see things from your view. 

You don’t have to let this type of thing harm a friendship. You just have to be respectful, calm, and open. Not everyone sees things the same way. Besides, that would be pretty boring, wouldn’t it? 

Why we shouldn’t unconditionally love

We don’t have to, in fact, we should not, always unconditionally love another. Unconditional love makes sense for things that people have no control over like their skin color, abilities, disabilities, or if they are laid-off from a job. But, when people have a choice and they choose to be unkind we have the right to create boundaries. 

We don’t have to put up with other people taking advantage of us, being mean or rude to us, or hurting us in any way. Saying that we should “always love unconditionally” is saying that we should not consider our own personal wellbeing, our feelings, and emotions about a situation. Instead, it is helpful to look at people and their actions as a choice vs. no choice. 

Loving others for the things they have no choice over is healthy while loving others for the unkind things they choose to do to us is not healthy. We need to stand up for ourselves, protect ourselves from wrongdoing by establishing boundaries with those that are toxic to our wellbeing. Loving unconditionally sets a tone that says people can walk all over us with no consequences.

Unconditional love is great for our children who are young and don’t have the capacity to always understand their actions and how they could be hurtful. But, for a spouse who makes the choice to hurt his/her partner physically or emotionally, we have the right to cut ties and to choose to not love unconditionally. 

What do you think about love? Should it be unconditional?

Don’t be someone’s second choice

Being someone’s second choice means thinking less of yourself. It means not being treated the way you deserve. It means never being put first. Don’t be someone’s second choice. You deserve better. 

When you are the second choice you are often the one waiting by the phone, leaving your days open-ended hoping to be included in plans but often being left disappointed that you were not. The second choice is often stood up, left hanging, or pushed aside for the person that comes before. 

You deserve to be appreciated

It is not a good feeling to always be the one who is trying the hardest in a relationship and never really feeling appreciated. The second choice will go the extra mile to get the attention, hoping that someday they might be the first choice. It means long nights staring at your phone hoping it will ring.

If this sounds like you. Stop. Appreciate yourself. 

If you are someone’s second choice, go elsewhere. Let go of he/she/they and find the person that will put you first. Everyone has a person. Everyone has someone that will call them first, that will appreciate their efforts, that will love them completely. 

Love can make you crazy, it blurs your vision and makes it hard to see beyond a person but at some point, you have to put yourself first. You have to take care of you. You have to look at the facts: you are spending more time unhappy fighting for this thing you think is best for you when in reality it is not good for you at all. Reevaluate your life and break free. Don’t settle for second best, don’t settle for being the leftovers, don’t settle on being someone’s silver, instead be someone’s gold. 

How to ask for a prenup

Explaining to your fiancé your desire to have a prenuptial agreement can be difficult. It is a touchy conversation that often can result in an argument because, in order to talk about a prenup, you have to talk about divorce. 

Talking about divorce before you have even walked down the aisle can seem counterproductive. It might come off as hurtful. Or it might seem to your partner that you are not fully invested in the relationship. But, let’s be real. Divorce rates are staggeringly high. Half of all marriages will end at some point. Even if you insist that won’t be you, different people have different reasons for wanting that prenuptial document. Maybe you witnessed a friend or family member lose everything in a messy divorce and you want to protect yourself. Or, maybe you just want to feel like you are being responsible. Whatever the reason, if it is something you feel passionately about then you need to have a conversation. 

So, how do you approach such a sensitive topic?

1.) Prepare — Before starting the discussion, grab a piece of paper and fold it in half. Write down ten reasons why you want a prenup on one side and then write down potential responses from your partner on the other side. Being mentally prepared for the discussion and what might come up is key. You need to have a deep understanding of what you want and why you want it. Be authentic and honest with your reasoning. 

2.) Have a conversation, don’t issue demands — Instead of saying “we are getting a prenup,” say “let’s talk about a prenup—what do you think about getting one?” Wait for he/she/they to answer before responding.

3.) Stay calm—Avoid being defensive or argumentative. Don’t get worked up that your partner may not agree with you. That will only make it worse. 

4.)Really listen, ask questions — Have an open mind. Listen and try to see your partner’s perspective as well as your own. 

5.)Talk about it as early as you can — Don’t wait until the week before your wedding to have this conversation. Even though you might know what you want, your partner might not have thought of it in detail. They will need time to assess their feelings and maybe some space to consider your reasoning. If the conversation does not go over well consider approaching the topic again at a later date.

Getting a prenup does not mean your marriage is doomed from the beginning. It just means you want to be prepared for the worst case scenario, and that is ok. The best thing you can do is keep communicating with each other about your thoughts and feelings. 

What do you think about prenups? 

Don’t say, ‘He/she/they didn’t mean anything.’

You have had another relationship, unbeknownst to your partner, and he/she/they just found out. You feel your heart beat quicken and that moment of panic sets in. You are in hot water. What do you say? How do you fix this? End this uncomfortable moment? Then it comes out— “that person didn’t mean anything to me!”

Adding fuel to the fire

You look at your partner and instead of those words making he/she/they feel better you quickly notice they seem more upset. I have spoken to many couples about this very sentence. It is upsetting. It is hurtful. No one has ever said, “oh since that person doesn’t mean anything to you, I am ok now.” If anything it makes the whole situation much worse. But why? Why does this single phrase anger people so much?

It is because when you say those words, what your partner is really thinking is: what does that make me? If you can cheat on your supposedly important partner with someone that is meaningless, then this meaningless person trumps your partner. This just makes your partner feel even smaller. Because you made the choice to harm your relationship with your partner by having relations with this other person, you are telling your partner that they do not mean as much as this person. Therefore, making the statement “they didn’t mean anything” is you telling your partner they are meaningless. It is just another way to add insult to injury. 

Therefore, making the statement “he/she/they didn’t mean anything” may get you deeper into hot water. Rather than digging through your brain to say something when the tension is high, own up to it instead. Saying “I am sorry” is a good start. Consider seeking the help of a licensed counselor individually, or as a couple, to help you through this.

Don’t say, ‘I didn’t mean to HURT YOU!’

It happens. Sometimes we DO say or do things that we don’t mean to. Sometimes we unintentionally hurt another in some way. Maybe we aren’t thinking clearly at the time. Maybe there is some deeper reason for our actions. It is natural to immediately want to explain to your partner that you “didn’t mean it.” I hear this phrase a lot when speaking to couples. Unfortunately the reality is, those words are not helpful. Explaining how you didn’t mean it, doesn’t cut it. 

Sometimes hearing those words just angers the other partner. But why? In your mind you are thinking you really didn’t mean it, you are sorry, and you wish you could take it back. To your partner the damage is done. You can’t change the past. It is not helpful to argue whether or not you intended to cause pain. That is not what is in question right now. 

Your partner is hurt. Whatever you did is not sitting well in their heart. They feel sad and angry at the actions you made. Own up to them. You did what you did. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean to do what you did. It matters that you did it. So going back to our earlier post, stop making excuses. Tell your partner you are truly sorry. Tell them you messed up. You made a mistake. Be honest. Show them you may not be perfect but it doesn’t mean you can’t grow and learn from your actions. 

Be genuine, be respectful of their feelings. Try to see things from their point of view. How are they feeling right now? How would you be feeling? Then tell them how you wish you could take it back, how you are sorry, how you will learn from your mistakes. 

What is the best way to apologize?

How do you know there isn’t someone better?

Someone asked me the other day — ‘how do I know I won’t find someone better than my partner?’ The person went on to tell me how they wanted to make sure there wasn’t a better choice before becoming exclusive with the person they had been seeing. 

The truth is, there is always someone “better” if you choose to think about it that way. You will always come across people that are more fun, funnier, handsomer, smarter, or whatever qualities you are looking for. Committing to another person is a choice. It is not based on all that external stuff. When you decide to go all in with another person, you are making the conscious decision to shut down all the external noise. Stop comparing him/her to that coworker, or the guy that works in the office down the hall. Shut down the date search, and that cute guy that keeps talking about having dinner with you. 

Choosing to commit is choosing to be with that one person— who probably isn’t always going to be the best in the room. But they should be the one that feels right for you. By committing you are choosing to accept that person as they are, and to close the door to the other options. If you spend your life always searching for the ‘best’ or the ‘better’ option then you will likely always find something, but will you be happy? 

When did you choose to commit?