Category Archives: Relationship

‘I just want someone to love me’

“I just want someone to love me.” Let’s think about this phrase for a minute. I hear it quite often. 

While it might seem harmless on the surface, is it really? It’s true—everyone does want to be loved. Everyone wants to feel cared for, appreciated, and truly madly loved. But this method of thinking about it is dangerous. This thought process could be what is leading some of us into bad relationships. 

We are thinking we want this one thing so badly that we are losing touch of the process of connecting with another. We are losing ourselves. We are desperate to be loved by another that we are jumping into any old relationship and staying in it—whether we are happy or not — because we want to feel loved. We want to be loved. 

Fill your own bucket

Are you relying on someone else to fill your bucket? What about you? What about your goals, your hopes, and dreams, the stuff that makes you special. You need to work on filling your own bucket and finding that love inside you so you are not so reliant on others. Learn to love yourself. It can be a difficult thing to do but it is crucial to your happiness. The only person you can ever truly rely on in life is yourself. You need to take care of you, to trust in yourself so that you can find that true connection with another. 

It is amazing what can happen when we love ourselves. The relationships we get into are healthy ones, they are beneficial to us and truly meaningful. They are not born out of desperation or need but rather true attraction and connection. So rather than relying on others, we need to start relying on ourselves. Fill your bucket. Do what you need to do for you before you go hunting for love. 

True love doesn’t mean healthy love

I understand true love. The intense feelings you can have for another. That whole, complete kind of love. But, I also understand healthy love and the two can look very different. 

Emotions vs. Behaviors

There is a big difference between emotions and behaviors. Emotions are what we feel on the inside, while behaviors are our actions. You can be completely head-over-heels in love with a person who treats you bad. It is possible to love a person who abuses you, or knocks you down, or keeps you from forming meaningful friendships. 

You can be in a relationship where you and your significant other both love each other very much but insecurities from one or both of you lead you to act in ways that are unhealthy. Things like being jealous, over-protective, or controlling. There are many cases where we enable each other to continue unhealthy behaviors like drugs and alcohol. The list can go on and on. 

The bottom line is even if you are in love, you need to be in a healthy relationship. Both parties need to be with people who treat them with respect and allow them to live a meaningful, fulfilling, happy life. Healthy relationships involve communication, give and take, compromise. They are about supporting one another through good times and bad. They are about arguing and learning from those arguments. They are about growth. Often times unhealthy relationships are not able to grow. They can be toxic.

Even the truest of love is not worth it if it is unhealthy. We have to take care of ourselves. This one life is short and we deserve to live our happiest life with a person who understands that means to us. In many cases, counseling can help a couple who might not be behaving the healthiest to develop a new normal. A licensed counselor can provide guidance, tools, and accountability. 

Helping your teen navigate holidays post-divorce

Holidays post-divorce are hard for the whole family, especially teenagers who have been used to celebrating as a family-unit their whole lives. Clients frequently come to me this time of the year wondering how they are supposed to help their teens navigate the holidays now that they are no longer with their spouse. 

It is understandably a daunting task and one no parent should take lightly. The holidays are an important time. Post-divorce holidays can be a wonderful time to start new traditions and establish a new normal. 

I encourage parents to get their teens involved. Ask the tough questions — how do you want to spend the holiday? Maybe they will want to go see a movie, have a special meal, or drive around looking at holiday decorations. What is most important to him/her/they? Maybe it is family cooking/baking, or the church pageant? Whatever it is— work with your teen to create a new normal that they will also enjoy and find special. Maybe they want to ditch the fancy meal and instead order takeout in their pajamas. The possibilities are endless. 

The most difficult part of the holidays now is they are a further reminder that things are no longer the same and they never will be. That is hard for anyone to face and can be an extremely emotional time. Working with your teen to create new memories, new events, new traditions will show them that even though things are not the same they can still be special. Your teen needs to see that life will go on and that they will be ok. 

As a parent, who is also going through a lot right now, take the time to listen. Hear out your teen. Consider what is most important to them and do your best to show them they matter. Your new normal will take some time to get used to but it has the potential to be just as incredible (if not more) than before. 

You don’t have to be alone

So often we try to fill the void in our hearts with something. We feel alone, sad like something is missing. We enter relationships with the wrong people. We turn to unhealthy habits like overeating, alcohol, shopping, gambling, or drugs. We are desperately trying to feel whole. In truth, there is only one true thing that can fill that void, one thing that cures our loneliness—its love. But, not love for another or love for a thing, it is love for yourself. 

Learn to love yourself

When you learn to love yourself, you are not alone anymore. You don’t need to find a person, a thing, or a vice to cure your loneliness. You just need to dig deep inside and recognize your inner being, all the beautiful things about you. Now I know that for some of you this is a hard thing to accomplish. It is that voice in your head that is always telling you what you did wrong, how you messed up, how bad you look in that shirt, or how much weight you have put on. And to that, I say— stop! Shut that voice down in your head. Stop the negative self-talk. When you tell yourself something over and over you begin to believe it. It is all you can hear. 

Go out and live your life

Recognize all the good about yourself. And believe me, there is so much of it. Love yourself for the wonderful human being you are. Love yourself for being uniquely you. Identify your strengths, all the positives and lift yourself up. Cut yourself some slack. None of us are perfect. Stop comparing yourself to others. End your loneliness, and love you. Fill that gap with an appreciation for your life and go out and live it. 

Why do we get into wrong relationships?

You have probably been there at some point or another. Maybe it was a guy you met at a bar, a co-worker or a longtime friend. They asked you to go on a date, you agreed. Next thing you know you are in a relationship that just doesn’t feel right. Why do we do this? Why do we end up in the wrong relationships?

A lot of it has to do with timing. It involves all the other things that are happening in your life at that time. Maybe you are feeling sad/down and not very self-confident and part of you thinks that maybe this relationship will lift you up, but in the end, it makes you feel worse. Maybe you are career-focused, on the up-and-up, and the right guy enters your life but you blow him off. You think you don’t have time for anything else at the moment. 

If you are single for a long time you might be at the point where you think any relationship is better than none. Or, maybe you are getting ready to move out of town or go on a long trip and you find yourself smitten. Whatever the circumstances, the reason we end up in relationships is a lot more involved than just our hearts. And, much of the time we don’t see the whole story until later. We get that “aha” moment as we sit down and analyze all the little details. 

The best advice I can give for those that frequently get into wrong relationships is to learn from them. Try to identify those factors that are leading you to make these choices. Talking to a counselor may also help to point out some reasons you are having trouble seeing on your own. 

How to get over a breakup

No matter what the relationship entails, breaking up is hard. It means change and uncertainty over the future. It can easily unravel your current life as you know it. You are probably feeling overwhelmed with all the emotions as you go through the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. There it is. 

You will get there. You will find acceptance. But how do you do it? How are you suppose to move forward? It is all in the power of your thinking. 

Someone once told me that accepting a break up means there is no future with that ex. No wonder that person was struggling with moving on — why would the heart want to move forward when it sees no future? That is a pretty bleak and daunting way to think about your future life. Rather than looking at the break up as the end of everything, pivot your viewpoint. 

The reality is — we do.not.know if down the road you might have a new beginning with your ex.  So much can happen in the future. You don’t know if you will meet someone new, someone, you have an even stronger connection with. Regardless of what the future may hold, you have to accept the end of this current relationship (as you know it) before you are able to move forward. 

You have to let the death process of the current relationship take place. Travel through those five stages of grief so you can find a new beginning. Don’t prevent yourself from having a future relationship by avoiding acceptance. Just because this one relationship is currently over, does not mean there is no hope for the future. There is so much potential. So many different ways events can take place and shape our lives. Make the conscious choice to change your thinking and find the positive. 

When your BFF doesn’t support your relationship…

You have found “the one.” You are in love and elated. You share your excitement with your best friend expecting to receive support, hugs, and maybe even a “congrats.” But, instead, you are met with disdain. Your friend is less than happy for you. He, she, they thinks you are making a mistake. 

Naturally, you are hurt by this response. This is your best bud and you want he/she/they to be excited for you, supportive, and happy that you have found your person. So what do you do now? You probably feel like you don’t want to talk to this friend about your significant other anymore. But, this is your best friend and your significant other is a huge part of your life. How are you suppose to approach this without getting yourself hurt? Or hurting the friendship?

First of all, who is this friend? Is this a person who usually has good judgment. Do you respect their honest opinion, or are they more of a judgmental-type of person. Are they always looking for the bad to dig out? Are they always poking at the negative? This friend’s personality can help you to determine how much weight you should give to their opinion. 

Second, remember that this is another person’s opinion. It is not yours. In a healthy friendship, there is room for a difference in opinion. You can agree to disagree without harming the relationship. 

Third, listen to your friend. Hear them out. It does not hurt to hear their reasoning and maybe you can provide some insight that they haven’t uncovered or vice versa. It can be helpful to view the relationship from a different angle. There is no need to be dismissive about their opinion. Try to open your mind. 

Fourth, help your friend and your significant other to get to know each other better. Invite your friend to double-date or come over for a game night. Make it a comfortable environment so your friend might be able to see things from your view. 

You don’t have to let this type of thing harm a friendship. You just have to be respectful, calm, and open. Not everyone sees things the same way. Besides, that would be pretty boring, wouldn’t it? 

Why we shouldn’t unconditionally love

We don’t have to, in fact, we should not, always unconditionally love another. Unconditional love makes sense for things that people have no control over like their skin color, abilities, disabilities, or if they are laid-off from a job. But, when people have a choice and they choose to be unkind we have the right to create boundaries. 

We don’t have to put up with other people taking advantage of us, being mean or rude to us, or hurting us in any way. Saying that we should “always love unconditionally” is saying that we should not consider our own personal wellbeing, our feelings, and emotions about a situation. Instead, it is helpful to look at people and their actions as a choice vs. no choice. 

Loving others for the things they have no choice over is healthy while loving others for the unkind things they choose to do to us is not healthy. We need to stand up for ourselves, protect ourselves from wrongdoing by establishing boundaries with those that are toxic to our wellbeing. Loving unconditionally sets a tone that says people can walk all over us with no consequences.

Unconditional love is great for our children who are young and don’t have the capacity to always understand their actions and how they could be hurtful. But, for a spouse who makes the choice to hurt his/her partner physically or emotionally, we have the right to cut ties and to choose to not love unconditionally. 

What do you think about love? Should it be unconditional?

Don’t be someone’s second choice

Being someone’s second choice means thinking less of yourself. It means not being treated the way you deserve. It means never being put first. Don’t be someone’s second choice. You deserve better. 

When you are the second choice you are often the one waiting by the phone, leaving your days open-ended hoping to be included in plans but often being left disappointed that you were not. The second choice is often stood up, left hanging, or pushed aside for the person that comes before. 

You deserve to be appreciated

It is not a good feeling to always be the one who is trying the hardest in a relationship and never really feeling appreciated. The second choice will go the extra mile to get the attention, hoping that someday they might be the first choice. It means long nights staring at your phone hoping it will ring.

If this sounds like you. Stop. Appreciate yourself. 

If you are someone’s second choice, go elsewhere. Let go of he/she/they and find the person that will put you first. Everyone has a person. Everyone has someone that will call them first, that will appreciate their efforts, that will love them completely. 

Love can make you crazy, it blurs your vision and makes it hard to see beyond a person but at some point, you have to put yourself first. You have to take care of you. You have to look at the facts: you are spending more time unhappy fighting for this thing you think is best for you when in reality it is not good for you at all. Reevaluate your life and break free. Don’t settle for second best, don’t settle for being the leftovers, don’t settle on being someone’s silver, instead be someone’s gold. 

When you catch your partner checking out other women…

You are walking down the street with your partner, having a conversation, and you notice their eyes as you pass another woman. They move up and down, maybe you even spot a smirk on their face after they are done checking out the other woman. How does that make you feel? 

You might brush it off and laugh about it, or you might internalize it. You might start to think— what makes her so special? What am I missing that she has? Why is she better than me? You might let it take a toll on your self-esteem. The reality is this other woman says nothing about your identity, about who you are as a person, as a partner, as a woman. She might be attractive, which is why your partner is checking her out, but that does not mean that you are any less attractive. 

You also don’t need to condone this behavior from your partner. It can be hurtful and bothersome. Stand up for yourself. Tell him/her/them how you feel when he/she/they checks out another in front of you. Explain that while you understand they likely do find other people attractive, when they acknowledge it openly in front of you it can be hurtful. Depending on your comfort level, you can also present it in a jokingly way, for example say — “hey I saw that, you think she is pretty huh?” At least that way you open the doors to communication. 

Regardless, the bottom line is the way you talk to yourself is crucial. Stop putting yourself down because of others. Stop letting other people impact the way you see yourself. You are your own beautiful self, no one can take that away from you. 

Have you ever caught your partner checking out another woman? How did it make you feel?