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repair toxic relationship

How To Repair A Toxic Relationship

You are in a toxic relationship and you don’t want to get out of it, you would rather work on trying to fix it. You want to repair it. Is it possible? 

A few things need to be present to turn a toxic relationship around, both partners need to want to make it work. Both of you need to recognize your faults and be willing to own up to them. Both of you need to be willing to put in the effort to make it work. If those three things are there, then you have the necessary foundation to move forward. 

To turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one, you must establish ground rules. Change is difficult and old habits die hard but steps need to be taken to make your relationship a positive environment. For example, if every time your partner brings up a past argument you feel bad, then kindly and calmly let he/she/they know that the past in the past and you would prefer to not relive arguments over again. If you need time to practice self-care, let your partner know that Wednesday nights are for you to go out. Setting ground rules helps you both to be on the same page. 

Boundaries are important. I write about them all the time. You must establish them in any healthy relationship. Maybe it makes you upset when your partner reads the text messages on your phone or calls you repeatedly at work. Let he/she/they know that is unacceptable to you. Boundaries are healthy. 

Take care of other relationships in your life. You need a support group. You need more people in your life than just your partner. Friends are healthy. Don’t let your partner be the everything in your life, let others in as well. 

Practice. Practice. Practice. Self-Care. I can’t stress this enough. It is so important to make time for yourself. Take a yoga class, go for a run, walk the dog, go to bed early, have a night out with friends, do stuff that makes you feel good. You can’t be the best version of yourself if you are not taking care of YOU.

And, finally, don’t hesitate to seek help from a licensed counselor. A professional can offer guidance and assist in the steps you need to take to turn your relationship into a healthy one. Changing the nature of your relationship is not easy. It takes work. But, it can be possible if you put in the effort. 

toxic relationship

Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

Toxic relationships happen. You fall in love with someone and things take a turn. It can be hard to recognize that you are in a toxic relationship simply because you don’t want to be. Your vision is clouded. You think “my relationship if just fine.” But, toxic relationships need your attention. They can harm you emotionally and physically. They can deeply impact you on every level. 

What makes a relationship toxic? How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? Here are some signs to look out for:

1.) Your partner is stripping away your self-esteem: They are always finding something wrong with you—the way you dress, your haircut, your teeth, your weight, the things you do, your personal preferences, etc. Whatever it is, it feels like nothing is good enough. 

2.) There is a power imbalance: Relationships are supposed to be unions. There is give and take from both partners. While not always equal, they ebb and flow. Sometimes you might give more and sometimes your partner might. But, if it always seems like you are not in control of your life and you are always the one giving, then there is a clear power imbalance and that is not healthy. 

3.)Your partner is jealous and controlling: All healthy relationships need trust. Without trust, your relationship needs some work. If your partner is always jealous or wants to control who you spend your time with, where you go, etc. that is a warning sign. 

4.) You aren’t taking care of yourself: This is not necessarily related to your partner but you can’t possibly take care of your relationship without first taking care of yourself. If you can’t find time to get away from your partner to do things for yourself, then make time. If he/she/they won’t let you get away for self-care or engage in self-care at home, then see number 3.

5.) You don’t feel like you can be yourself: When you are in a relationship you should be free to be you. A partner is someone that you can feel comfortable with. They know you, all of you, and they love you for it. If you can’t be yourself then you might want to consider finding someone you can be yourself with. 

6.) They don’t bring out the best in you: Constant put-downs or arguing, negativity is a drain on your emotional health. Laughing, feeling loved and safe, those things are part of a relationship. If you don’t feel like your relationship is bringing out the best in you, then it might be toxic. 

7.) You are always making excuses for their behavior: Yes, we all have bad weeks. We all have bad months. But, your partner should at least be making an effort. If you come to he/she/they with a concern they should listen and try to make it right. If you find yourself constantly saying to yourself “well he had a bad day at work,” or “she has a lot going on right now” then it might be time to reevaluate. 

These are just a few of the many signs of an unhealthy relationship pattern. Toxic relationships and abusive relationships borderline on each other, so if for any reason you fear for your safety get out. A licensed therapist can help you evaluate your relationship, regain confidence, and break free. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, who appreciates you for all you are.

healthy relationships after chaos

Having healthy relationships after growing up in chaos

When you are a child raised in an emotionally chaotic environment you learn how to survive in that situation. I am talking about children who are raised in untrustworthy situations where they have become accustomed to the fact that even when things don’t feel right nothing they say or do is going to make things better. 

In many cases, these children have learned that expressing discourse of any kind is a bad thing. They learn to shut their feelings down and ignore the bad they might be feeling inside. This is because as children we know that we need our parents or other caregivers to survive. They give us what we need, so we have to keep things as livable as possible. 

Stuck in Old Patterns

Now, this sort of behavior might work for a child but as an adult keeping your feelings buried and not listening to them, leaves us stuck. As an adult you can’t keep silent, it doesn’t allow us to grow or develop any real intimacy with others. It also doesn’t keep us safe as it did as children. 

By not acting on our own self-protective instincts we end up in harm’s way, consumed by fear, obsessively thinking about what we dislike about our world, and carrying overwhelming feelings of resentment. We become mad at ourselves for not being able to change our situation. 

Rediscover Healthy Relationships

When you have spent your whole life ignoring your nervous system, how do you then recover and allow yourself to develop healthy relationships? 

The first step to any change is to recognize what is happening inside of you. How are you feeling when? What causes you to react in a certain way? Then confront those feelings. Instead of pushing them down, react. Stand up for yourself. Speak your thoughts. Remind yourself that this behavior no longer takes care of you, and allow yourself compassion and gratitude for the fact that you once did exactly what you needed to survive. 

Let Go of Toxic People

Then, ask yourself what you need to know and hear from others in your life. If those people can’t provide what you need, then understand it is ok to let them go. You don’t need to hold on to another out of fear. Find the courage inside of you to speak your truth and to acknowledge what you need. You may not have gotten what you needed as a child, but you don’t have to live like that anymore. The time is NOW to take care of you. 

You can make changes for the better. The power is within you. Seeking help from a licensed professional can help you to identify these feelings within and confront them head-on. A mental health professional can guide you and help to give you the tools to make positive changes. 

Don’t be someone’s second choice

Being someone’s second choice means thinking less of yourself. It means not being treated the way you deserve. It means never being put first. Don’t be someone’s second choice. You deserve better. 

When you are the second choice you are often the one waiting by the phone, leaving your days open-ended hoping to be included in plans but often being left disappointed that you were not. The second choice is often stood up, left hanging, or pushed aside for the person that comes before. 

You deserve to be appreciated

It is not a good feeling to always be the one who is trying the hardest in a relationship and never really feeling appreciated. The second choice will go the extra mile to get the attention, hoping that someday they might be the first choice. It means long nights staring at your phone hoping it will ring.

If this sounds like you. Stop. Appreciate yourself. 

If you are someone’s second choice, go elsewhere. Let go of he/she/they and find the person that will put you first. Everyone has a person. Everyone has someone that will call them first, that will appreciate their efforts, that will love them completely. 

Love can make you crazy, it blurs your vision and makes it hard to see beyond a person but at some point, you have to put yourself first. You have to take care of you. You have to look at the facts: you are spending more time unhappy fighting for this thing you think is best for you when in reality it is not good for you at all. Reevaluate your life and break free. Don’t settle for second best, don’t settle for being the leftovers, don’t settle on being someone’s silver, instead be someone’s gold. 

Ask Mabel: ‘I am dating a guy my friend has dated’

Letter from concerned client: I just started dating a guy that my friend used to date. They went on a couple dates and it didn’t go anywhere. Even though they had nothing serious, I am still afraid my friend will be mad when she finds out. What do I do? How do I approach this with her?

Mabel: I understand how this could be a daunting and scary conversation as you are worried it could damage your friendship. The best way to approach this situation is to tell her as soon as possible. If she were to find out thorough the grapevine she would think you were trying to hide it from her and it would be more hurtful. It is best if you open up to her. Have the conversation. Show her you value her friendship. It will make both of you feel better to talk it out, get it off your chest and give her a chance to tell you how she feels about it. Have the conversation face-to-face to make it as genuine and heart-felt as possible. Avoid doing it over the phone, and definitely do not do it through text message. Those ways of communicating won’t come off as meaningful to her. Approach the conversation as “I want to let you know because I value our friendship and didn’t want you to find out from anyone else.” Let her know that you do care about her feelings. She will likely appreciate your honesty, and if it does bother her she will be able to let you know. Having an open floor for conversation will ease tensions across the board and will help to avoid any damage to your friendship.