Tag Archives: parent

Ask Mabel: I am torn between an important work training and a request from my child, what do I do?

Dear Mabel, 

I am having a mom/work dilemma and I am so very torn. Tomorrow is my daughter’s last day of kindergarten. We recently moved out of the area to a new school district, but we were able to allow my daughter to finish the year at her old school. She is struggling because tomorrow will be her last day at her current school and she will have to say goodbye to all her friends. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem for me to be there with her for this, but tomorrow I am signed up for a special training. This free training workshop is something I have waited for years to take, it is usually very expensive. 

My daughter is normally a very happy, easy-going kid, but tonight she was a wreck. She was so emotional about her last day tomorrow. I told her that her grandparents will be picking her up from school and taking her out for a celebratory lunch and that I will be home as soon as I can. She just cried and cried and asked if there was some way I could be with her. She is so sad.

I am so torn! If it were anything else, I would move mountains to be there for her. But, this opportunity is truly rare, one I have inquired and waited for years. I am so sad about the timing of everything. What should I do? How do I handle this? 

Sincerely, Jenny from Alabama

Mabel: Thank you for reaching out. I am sorry that you feel torn between your daughter needing you and participating in training you’ve waited years for due to cost. I have a few questions:  1) What’s the most difficult thing about this?   2) Is this training offered every year or regularly?  3) Assuming it is offered every year or regularly, would you be able to put some money away each month to save for it? How much will you need to save per month?  4) Is the answer to question three do-able? 5) If it is not do-able within a year, can you spread it out? How long will you need to save monthly to attend the training? 

I am asking these questions about the training and money because training workshops and money are objects. They don’t have feelings. They don’t care if we move them around or tend to them later. I don’t know your daughter, so I don’t want to assume or say that she will be ok without you being there. But, I am 100% sure that training and money are ok with whatever you decide. 

I hold no judgment over your decision. This is my personal opinion. If I may, I would advocate for your daughter because she asked you to be there. I know her grandparents will be there to give her lots of love but she wants you. This is not her asking for a toy where you are saying “no.” This is her asking for emotional comfort during a very difficult time (in her six-year-old mind). She is young, so her mood may also change when tomorrow rolls around. I would say play it by ear and listen to your gut. 

The best time to be a stay-at-home parent isn’t what you think…

Being home with your children when they are babies is full of cuddles and cuteness. It can be a great experience for mom and child. But, if you are forced to choose a time in your child’s life to be home with them, or even to cut hours at work to be more available, it’s not when they are babies. 

I hear the shock and awe—and maybe even anger—at that statement but before you get all hot and bothered at the idea that I am recommending you skip the extra cuddles and kisses, hear me out. Yes, when our children are babies it is a beautiful, wonderful time in their lives and if you are able to be home with them that can be a wonderful gift. But, when it comes to your child’s needs, safety, and your mental sanity, the best time to be home with them is the middle and high school years. 

Middle and high school is a rough age. There is a lot going on with your child’s body, socially, and mentally. They need you more. They are becoming teenagers, daring kids. They are breaking boundaries, stepping outside of comfort zones, and defying your wishes. You are likely beginning to worry quite a bit about what they are up to. You are concerned about their health and their behaviors. The reason to stay home with your child in middle/high school is to protect them. 

Babies are adorable. They are cute. They are cuddly, and yes I encourage you to soak all that up. Cherish those moments. But, if you are a forced to choose a time to be home more, think about what might impact them more as adults, think about all the realities they are being faced with as teenagers and choose to be there for them. These are crucial years in your child’s life. They are likely feeling a lot of uncertainty and confusion. They are trying to fit in with their peers, be the “cool” kid, and they think they are smarter and more mature than they really are. It is a fantastic time to be on top of them. To teach them valuable life lessons. To make sure they are sticking to their word. And, to show them you support them, you love them, and you just want the very best for them. They may not engage with you fully, the way they did as a kid, but be present with them and catch them when they fall.

Let me be clear—if you don’t need to make the choice about when to be home, then great, and if you have no choice but to work, that is ok too. Don’t kick yourself if you can’t stay home, and if you don’t want to give up your career entirely you definitely do not need to be home full-time. There is nothing that says you have to be home with your child but regardless try to be present with them as much as possible.