Tag Archives: self-care

You are not obligated to take BS

We all cross people in our lives that put on an act, give us their bullshit and expect that we will just lay down and take it. But, we don’t have to. It doesn’t matter who this person is in your life —a boss, a coworker, a parent, a close friend, a spouse, an acquaintance, a doctor, etc. It doesn’t matter who they are, you are not obligated to take their crap. 

There is no concrete rule book in life, but one thing is for certain—you need to be your biggest advocate. You can’t rely on others. Even the closest people to you will let you down sometimes. We are all human. When someone is treating you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, you don’t need to just sit back and take it. Stand up for yourself and set boundaries. 

Those boundaries can take many different forms. It might mean ignoring calls or texts from this person. It might mean ending all interactions. It might mean being straight with them. You can tell this person that you won’t put up with whatever they are doing. Be honest with them and yourself and be your biggest advocate. No one knows you better than you. No one is inside your head feeling what you are feeling, seeing things the exact way you see them.

Even if you are someone that doesn’t like conflict, you are afraid of letting someone down, or you worry about how you are seen, what about you? The ball is in your court. You can protect yourself and separate yourself from toxic situations. You don’t have to leave all the choices up to others. You can make the best choices for yourself. Trust me, even if it is hard to make the first move you will feel better in the long run. 

How is ‘hustle’ culture impacting your mental health?

The phone is always with us. It is not uncommon for people to work into the wee hours of the night or long into the weekend. We never “turn off.” We are always on the move, always looking for the next big thing, always hustling along. It is the way many of us live. We think it is helping us to be successful, but what is it doing to our mental health?

This go, go, go mentality is leading to burnout. We are exhausted. We are overworked. We are losing sight of what really matters. Life is short and we are missing it. We are so immersed in our to-do lists that we are blind to all the beauty around us. 

It has become a social badge of honor to never stop working. It is seen as a good thing. People are proud that they haven’t gone on vacation in years and work 60-plus hours a week—way more than necessary—because it is seen as a pathway to success. But how successful can we be if we never sleep? Or reset? 

We all need a change of scenery every once in a while. We need to give our brains a mental vacation in order to function at top levels. It is ok to say “no” to the extra things on our plates and instead take a nap. It is ok to go home early and surprise your kids with an ice cream date. It is ok to turn the phone off and lock it away for a few hours. 

We need to remember that we are human beings that need self-care. The constant hustle is not sustainable. We weren’t built to never stop. 

The more overworked and exhausted we are the harder it is for us to process emotions and to think clearly, leading to increases in depression and anxiety. University of California San Francisco Clinical Professor Dr. Michael Freeman conducted a study of 242 entrepreneurs. What he found was concerning. He discovered that 72 % of those studied had mental health concerns, including depression, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, anxiety, and bipolar diagnoses.

The struggle is real. Success should be part of a three-dimensional life full of rest, family, friends, and love, it shouldn’t be all about the grind all the time. 

Turn your bad day around with these tips

Life is not easy. We all have days where we feel on top of the world and we all have days where we feel the gum stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe. It is part of being alive. But, just because a day is off to a bad start doesn’t mean it can’t end on a good note. There are ways to turn a bad day around. 

Next time you are having a rough time, consider trying some of these tips:

1.) Recognize that you are in control of your happiness: Even on the worst of days you still have the power to find the positive. Your negative energy can rub off on the people around you, contributing to your downward spiral of a day. If you switch it up, laugh it off, and embrace the positive you can change the way you feel and impact how others interact with you. 

2.) Determine the problem: What is causing your day to be bad? Is it just dumb luck? Or a bad mood that is making everything so much more difficult to get through. Identify the problem and squash it. Maybe you were late for a meeting and now your boss is angry with you. Switch up your mood and focus your energy on a project that could help you recover from this mishap. 

3.) Be grateful: Look around, think about the good in your life, find something to be grateful for. Yea so you were late to work, but you got to listen to a really good song on the way. You lost your temper on your child and you feel awful, but at least they made it to school in one piece and when they get home you can hug them and tell them you love them and recover. You are alive, you are breathing, you are well. However small or big it is, there is always something we can be thankful for. Finding something to appreciate will help to lighten your stress and maybe even bring a smile to your face. 

4.) Laugh: There is research that shows that even forcing laughter can lift our spirits. Make yourself smile, laugh, watch a funny animal video, look at a picture of a loved one, laugh at whatever is making your day unpleasant. 

5.) Be accepting: We all have bad days. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Forgive yourself. Let go of the moment. Strive to move forward. 

6.) Change it up: If you are struggling, change your routine for the day. Make things different. Maybe instead of working through lunch, ask a friend to meet up, go for a walk, or hideaway for a power nap. 

7.)Stop feeling like a victim: Maybe the cause of your bad day is something that happened to you and you feel victimized. Even if you are the victim of something, stop dwelling on it. The more we feel like a victim, the more we wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for ourselves rather than putting in the effort to appreciate the good in our lives.

No matter what your day has in store, learn to celebrate the small victories — you got out of bed this morning, your hair looks fabulous, that zit on your nose is finally gone, you crossed some things off your to-do list, your spouse loves you, your kid brushed his teeth without needing to be told, etc. You can move beyond the bad and turn a day around, you just have to want it. 

Motherhood and Alcoholism: When is it a problem?

Alcohol has widely become “part” of motherhood as odd as that may seem. Our culture is normalizing this practice and minimizing its potential impact on moms and their families. There are social media groups and websites like “mommy needs vodka,” and “moms who need wine.”

As a mom myself it has become commonplace to hear “when is it too early to start drinking?” or “wine time.” There are many moms that turn to alcohol at the end of the day, or even the middle if it’s a “special occasion” (like Tommy using the potty for the first time). We use alcohol to celebrate the small victories, to numb our stressors, and to dispel boredom. Moms feel like they deserve that glass of wine at the end of the day, they should be allowed to do something for themselves, and while all of that is true — when does the drinking become a problem? 

This past weekend was Mother’s Day and while it is a time to honor moms and all that they do, it is also a time to recognize the need to care for our moms. Moms need to be well. They need to be healthy and happy to take care of their families and themselves. 

While there are many factors that can impact whether a person is a problem drinker — everything from past traumas to genetics to things become habitual, despite their health repercussions. As a society that is putting alcohol in the face of moms everywhere, maybe we should start to reassess. Do moms really “need” alcohol? No, they don’t. Do they deserve to treat themselves? Yes, of course, they do. But, everything needs to be done in moderation. 

Drinking becomes a problem when it is a core thought. If you are constantly watching the clock waiting for that magical time when it is socially accessible to pour that first glass of wine and then next thing you know the whole bottle is gone. We tend to laugh about it. “Oops, I finished the whole bottle.. oh well.” But, we need to be careful. We need to look for other ways to care for ourselves. 

Rather than making alcohol your nightly ritual, try meditation, yoga, a special TV show, talk with your spouse, a weekly night out with friends, something other than the bottle. Drinking feels like a special dessert, a treat. It feels harmless and normal. But it can easily get out of control. That glass can turn into a bottle, which can turn into a bottle a night and next thing you know you are feeling crappy all the time, you are having trouble caring for your kids, you are overrun with guilt, you are hiding it from your spouse, it can easily escalate. 

Being a mom is hard work, don’t get me wrong, and while alcohol can make it feel a little better for a moment it can easily lead to more problems. My advice to you is to reign it in, seek help from a licensed professional, and work to develop healthier coping mechanisms. You don’t need to feel guilty, or alone, in this battle. We are here. We can go forward together for a healthier you. 

How do you cope with motherhood?

The Power of Solitude

Many of us are afraid to be alone. I am talking really alone, no cell phone, no wifi, nothing but you and your brain. But, choosing solitude every once in a while can have great benefits for your mind and your body. 

When we are constantly connected to the outside world we tend to lose touch with ourselves. We feel the need to compete with those around us, we get sucked into other peoples problems/struggles, and we can begin to feel overwhelmed in the day-to-day. We tend to ignore our own needs and desires because “there isn’t enough time.” We get bogged down with decision-fatigue and our judgment gets clouded. 

Rest your brain

Making the choice to spend time with yourself can give your brain time to rest. It can free you from decision-fatigue and enable you to make better choices for your life. It can help you to rediscover your sense of self, allow you time to listen to YOU and reflect on your goals and your needs. If that time is spent in nature, which often is the best place to find solitude, it can provide a renewed harmony with the natural world. Solitude allows you to escape sensory overload, stimulate creativity and awaken your spirituality. The list goes on and on. 

Now I hear you, “I don’t have time for that.” Well, taking these moments for yourself can also make you more productive, giving you more time to do the things you want to do. The amount of time you choose to be in solitude doesn’t have to be long. It could be in the form of daily meditation. It could be a couple hour hike or a run/bike ride/walk (without music). It could be a spa day by yourself. It could be a night at a hotel by yourself away from the chaos of your home. 

The main thing is you need to really be in solitude, free of distraction. That means no phone, no internet, no playlist. It is time for you to connect with you and that is hard to do if you are distracted. It is about practicing mindfulness. Lean into your sadness, embrace your insecurities, breathe, and reconnect with yourself again. Take a break from the real world for a moment. Relax. Breathe. And feel confident that you can re-enter your life with a clear head. 

Setting boundaries with repeat offenders

The first time someone does something that offends me, I let it go. I try to educate the person on why they offended me and ask them kindly to please refrain from doing it again. Then I brush it off. 

The second time someone offends me, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I think “well maybe it was a misunderstanding.” I talk to them and keep open lines of communication. I move on. 

The third time that someone offends me, that’s it. I have been kind and open-minded up to this point. I have educated this person. They know exactly how I feel and realize what they are doing is going to be hurtful to me. Yet they do it anyway. This person is being blatantly disrespectful to my wishes. They obviously don’t care enough about my feelings to change their ways. 

Set Boundaries

It is important for your own wellbeing to set boundaries with repeat offenders. People that are constantly disrespecting your wishes, overstepping your boundaries, offending you in some way or another, are not worth your time. These people are toxic to your mental health. It is ok to let these people go from your life. You don’t have to be around or interact with people who don’t care enough to respect your wishes. 

Boundaries are crucial to your happiness, your personal comfort, and your overall health. Feeling hurt or stressed because people are consistently offending you is damaging your mental wellbeing and therefore also harmful to your physical health. You have the right to stand up for yourself, to fight for your happiness. You need to take care of you and show these repeat offenders that you won’t stand for their behavior toward you. Then let it go. 

Slow down to do more

It doesn’t make sense when you hear it. How could slowing down actually allow you to do more? 

Our lives are so busy these days. I am sure you say it all the time, “I just don’t have time for that.” But, have you ever stopped to really think about your life and how you are spending your time. It is so easy to get caught up in to-do lists, goals, work demands, that we forget about why we are really doing all these things. Our lives are literally passing us by because we are so over consumed with what “needs” to get done. We are overstressed, overworked, and overwhelmed. 

Practice Mindfulness

Slowing down, actually taking a moment to stop and look around us, to be present in the moment, to embrace the act of mindfulness can actually allow us to do more. Taking time to stop and smell the roses, as the saying goes, can help us be more productive and happier in the long-run. 

It is so easy to get burnt out when we are going full speed ahead all the time. We all need rest days. We need days with the family. We need time to enjoy the lives we have built for ourselves and to appreciate all the true beauty around us. 

It is ok to turn the phone off. Put it in a drawer or a cabinet for a few hours a day and be present in your life. The world will not end, I promise. Life is short and there are so many moments we can not get back. Start today with a few minutes of disconnecting. 

The next time you find yourself rushing to get from one place to another, ask yourself “is it really that bad if I am a few minutes late?” In most cases, the answer is “no.” Rather than losing your temper on your children for not putting their shoes on fast enough, or getting distracted by a flower they saw in the grass, slow.down. Turn that rushed moment in a positive memory. 

Source: https://hbr.org/2009/08/to-get-more-done-slow-down.html

How to Curb Negative Self-Talk

We all do it — “how could I be so stupid?” “I am not good enough.” “I am so dumb.” Whatever it is. We all talk to ourselves negatively. And, even though we may brush off that talk as meaningless, it’s not. After a while, our brains start to believe these things, whether they are true or not. 

Words Are Powerful

It doesn’t take much of telling yourself you “can’t” or you are “not worthy” to believe it. The act of curbing negative self-talk can have a big impact on our overall mental health. We have this beautiful ability to lift ourselves up — or tear ourselves down — with our words. 

So what can do you do to start the journey of treating yourself better with your words? It is difficult, as any habit is, to change our ways but it is amazing what a few small changes can do for our self-esteem and overall personal satisfaction. 

First of all, start small. No one is going to completely eliminate negative self-talk. I mean, seriously, we all do things that we are not proud of. That is life. But, by doing better at cutting ourselves some slack and appreciating all the good in ourselves we can lead happier lives.

Start with a Post-it (I said small, didn’t I?). Write one positive thing down about yourself and stick it to the mirror, or on the back of your bedroom door, or on a phone case, wherever you are going to see it regularly. It might sound or feel stupid but trust me, after a while your brain absorbs it. It can be as simple as “you can do it” or “you are strong.”

Next, cut yourself some slack. You are human. You will make mistakes. You are not perfect, I am sorry to break the news but it is true. No one is. Instead of jumping to “I am so stupid” or “I can’t do anything right,” be real with yourself. So, you made a mistake. Tell yourself these things happen. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. If your friend broke a glass and immediately said “oh my gosh I am the worst,” what would you say? Likely you would tell that friend “It’s ok. These things happen.”

You can be in the driver’s seat when it comes to how you see (and talk to) yourself. 

Signs You Need A Mental Health Day

Your mental health is just — as if not more — important than your physical health. Your brain and all the different emotions you could be facing impact you physically. When you have a sore throat, a cough, a stomachache, a migraine, or other ailments, you take a sick day. When you aren’t feeling good mentally, it could be time to take a mental health day. 

We tend to ignore much of our mental health symptoms, brushing them off and saying “they will pass” only to have them resurface stronger than before. We don’t want to waste the time off, we don’t feel like we have the time to waste. But, we forget that when we aren’t operating at our fullest we aren’t being as efficient. By taking the time to tend to your mental health you are only helping yourself to be more focused, motivated, happy, and…well. 

Here are some signs that you could use a mental health day:

1.) You are distracted by something that needs to get done outside of the office. Maybe it is your taxes, a personal project, or a goal that requires your attention. Now I am not telling you to skip work whenever you need some extra time, but rather when you are distracted, forgetful, overwhelmed by something that needs to be tackled. Take a day to get it done. You will feel better for taking care of it, you will gain some control back over your life, and you will be more productive at your job when you return. 

2.) You have been neglecting yourself. Maybe you have been super busy at work or overcome with a project that is taking over your life. You aren’t taking care of yourself because you don’t feel like you have the time to spare. You could benefit from recharging your batteries. Take a mental health day to take care of you. The day can look any way you think it should — catch up on sleep, meal prep, go for a walk, take a fitness class, spend some extra time with your kids, meet a friend for lunch, whatever it is that you feel you need. A day away from the daily grind can do wonders for your inner self. 

3.) You are struggling with depression and anxiety symptoms that feel unmanageable. Maybe you are easily emotional, you are crying a lot, you are struggling to get out of bed, everyday activities are hard to accomplish, you don’t feel like you, whatever it is a day away from the stress you are consumed with can help. Allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you are trying to push past can be necessary to your healing. If you had the flu, your coworkers would never expect you to come in, they would not find you weak, in fact, they would likely thank you for taking the time to get well. 

There is nothing wrong with taking a mental health day. It can take courage to admit that you need one. It can be hard to allow yourself the opportunity to have this day but it will be worth it. If you are having trouble taking care of you, I encourage you to seek help from a licensed mental health professional. He/she/they can help you learn ways to fit time in for you. 

How often do you take mental health days?

Surviving Valentine’s Day Post-Divorce

The day of love is here, but you aren’t feeling it. You recently got divorced and want to forget this day even exists. And maybe that is what you do, maybe you distract yourself with something else. Valentine’s Day can be a hard day for anyone not in a relationship but especially for someone who recently got out of a marriage. 

Create a new normal

Maybe burying yourself under the covers of your bed looks really good right now. I get it. But, I generally don’t encourage avoiding situations. This day might be hard but doesn’t mean you can’t make the most of it. Avoidance just pushes away feelings that will show their face later down the road with more strength. 

Rather than avoiding the dreaded Feb. 14, embrace it in a different way. You can celebrate Galantines Day, as it is often called, and treat your friends to a special date. Share a moment with the girls and relish in how loved you are. If you have kids, treat them to a special dinner. Embrace the day as a time to show love to those in your life, not just a romantic partner. 

Try something new

Take it as an opportunity to do something you wouldn’t have been able to do before. Make a new normal. Maybe you love Thai food but your ex did not, take yourself shopping and buy yourself something special, get your hair cut, your nails done, or get a massage. Use the day as a day to love yourself. Recognize that the most important person in your life is you. You deserve to take care of yourself, to treat yourself, to show yourself how much you are loved and how much you deserve. 

Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Take yourself to a movie, do something special for someone else, whatever it is that makes you feel good. Read a good book. If the idea of being out with other couples just makes you cringe, then don’t. You don’t have to expose yourself to uncomfortable situations. Rent a movie, order in food. The bottom line is to ask yourself what matters to you? What is something that would make you feel good? Then do it. 

If you are feeling particularly down, take a moment to think of five things you love about yourself. Write them down, repeat them to yourself. You do you. Make this day about love, loving you, loving your friends, your family, your pets, whoever has been there for you. You will get through. Tomorrow is a new day.