Tag Archives: anger

Emotion and Love Can Coexist

There is this underlying fear that many people struggle with surrounding emotions of anger, being mad, or disappointed with another. The belief is that if we are mad at our significant other, then we are not ok. If we are mad, there is no love present. In fact, that is not the case at all. Emotions and love can coexist together. 

Not perfect all the time

In many cases, the more love we have for another the more these emotions affect us. We are not as likely to feel intense feelings of anger if we don’t also have intense feelings the other way. In relationships full of love, there is going to also be anger at some point or another. It is when we stop caring that things are more likely to not be ok. When we stop caring it can mean we also don’t want to try anymore. Whereas if we are angry, then we want things to be fixed. We want to come to a resolution. 

People that have this fear of making others angry have a desire to always please each other, to make other people happy. We become deathly afraid of getting people mad. But how healthy is that? Ask yourself what that really means for you? Are you hiding your emotions? Are you ignoring your feelings? Are you pushing your needs to the side for others? While it is important in any relationship to have a desire to please the other, it is important that you recognize things are not always going to be perfect all the time. There will be arguments, there will be things he/she does that anger you because you are different people. That does not mean you don’t love or care for each other in very big ways. 

Quit calling them ‘negative’ emotions

Certain emotions frequently show up in science and the media as “negative” emotions. We all know them as sadness, anger, disgust, frustration, etc. Then there are the “positive” emotions—happy, excited, etc. Instead of classifying an emotion as “negative” or “positive” how about we just start calling it by what it actually is? 

We are sending the message that emotions are bad.

When we classify an emotion as negative, we are sending the message that it is bad. That we aren’t supposed to feel this way. It makes us feel guilty about having these so-called “negative” emotions. No one wants to feel “negatively” or do the “wrong” thing. But an emotion isn’t bad. It isn’t wrong to feel a certain way. We need to stop grouping them together as a set and refer them to as an individual feeling. Yes, I am sad that my grandfather is in the hospital. Yes, I am disappointed I didn’t get the job. Yes, I am frustrated that the dog had an accident in the living room this morning. This is life, folks. 

These emotions are ok, they are healthy, they are necessary. We don’t need to pretend that we don’t feel this way. We don’t need to feel guilty or that we are doing something bad by feeling upset or disappointed. Rather we need to let the emotions come. We need to feel them, accept them, allow ourselves to work through them. What we don’t need to do is ignore them. That only compounds the situation and makes things eventually erupt. So instead of thinking about emotions as “negative” or “positive,” think of them simply as an emotion. Leave it at that. There is no need for classification.

Why are we bitter during divorce?

There are many reasons for divorce to occur leading to a vast array of emotions. But why would bitter feelings occur if you and your partner agree that your marriage isn’t working? If you don’t have any hard or angry feelings toward your partner then why would you feel so upset at the situation? Why can’t you just end the marriage and move on? 

It is because when you walked down that aisle you had an expectation of what marriage would be. You thought you would spend your life with this person and be happy and in love through the process. Now that reality is setting in and this expectation has been shattered, you are grieving. You have lost your marriage and now you have to grieve that loss. 

Human Nature

It is truly human nature to feel this way, according to a Psychology Today article that looks at a study done on chimpanzees. When all of their basic needs are met— safety, love, survival, esteem, and actualization— they act much differently than if they are missing one of those five. When you go through a divorce you are bound to feel bitter, angry, scared, and just plain jerkish because you are not having all your needs met. You suddenly have to worry about all these things you didn’t have to concern yourself with before. When we feel safe, secure, and loved we are able to rationalize things better. 

In addition to having your expectations shattered, you are also in for a whole slew of changes and let’s be frank — us humans don’t like change very much. Divorce also brings up many feelings of being powerless and out-of-control, you might not know how things are going to play out, what will tomorrow be like? And, there is a need to fight for what you love and believe—a sense of entitlement. Even if you still deeply care for your soon-to-be ex-spouse, you remember how long it took to pick out that couch downstairs and you want it back. You also worked really hard to save up for that house and now you don’t want to sell it. You want to hang on to the things that are important to you. 

Divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can ever endure. It is a mountain of obstacles to face and it takes time and energy to get to the other side. If you are feeling overwhelmed, bitter, stressed, angry, know this is normal. Seek help from a licensed therapist who can help you to take care of yourself. 

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201207/where-are-you-the-divorce-stress-scale

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201101/why-are-divorcing-people-often-jerks

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/pegotty-and-randy-cooper/4-reasons-divorce-makes-good-people-act-like-jerks