To all those ‘givers’ out there, this post is for you. First of all, I think it is great that you are considerate of your partner and you want to make him/her happy. But, it is not always a good thing when we give too much. Now, I am not saying that you should just receive in a relationship, that is not good either. There needs to be a balance.
It helps if you ask yourself — why are you so giving? What are you nervous about when you don’t give?
Giving is great, but it is possible to give too much. When you are always giving, or being the ‘do-er,’ in the relationship, it can come across to your partner that you are ‘in charge.’ Relationships aren’t expected to always be 50-50, but one person can’t always be the giver and the other the receiver. When you give too much three things can happen:
- Your partner feels like they don’t have an equal role in the relationship and leaves — they don’t feel like they are on the same level, like one partner is ‘higher’ on the scale than the other.
- Your partner becomes passive. They just go with the flow and don’t interject and don’t try to even the playing field because they know they can’t get to your level. They give up, which isn’t healthy for anyone.
3. The partner takes advantage of your good will. They think oh well he/she is going to keep on giving, then I am going to keep on taking.
Regardless, in the end, most excessive givers/do-ers feel resentful because they feel like there is nothing they can do to help their relationship be successful. They go by the idea that “no matter what they do” they can’t help their relationship.
The bottom line is the scales can’t always be in favor of one partner over the other. While it will rarely be equal, they need to fluctuate. Both partners need to feel like they are the do-ers sometimes. Both need to give at times and receive at others.