Tag Archives: worry

apologize image

Do you over apologize? It may be anxiety

You catch yourself looking down at your phone while out to lunch with friends, “oops I am sorry,” you say, “I just needed to respond to this quick message.” Ok, you don’t need to apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong. 

You leave a friend’s party and start thinking about all the things that you might have done wrong. You feel like you came off too strong. Did you help clean up enough? Did you say the right thing to your neighbor when introducing them? Was the punch fruity enough? You immediately text your friend a heartfelt apology. But why? You didn’t do anything that needs apologizing.

This is over apologizing, apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology. You are a human. You aren’t supposed to be perfect. You are supposed to be you. You never need to apologize for being you.

Anxiety and Overthinking

But, you have anxiety. That anxiety causes you to overthink everything, to worry about things that didn’t even really happen or that you fear other people are thinking. 

This is the anxiety that keeps you up at night worrying about things that may or may not ever happen. It is the anxiety that keeps you second-guessing every move you make, every outfit you try on, every conversation you have, every task you complete, the list goes on and on. This is the everyday reality of anxiety, and, while exhausting and overwhelming, it needs no apology. 

For anxiety sufferers, constantly feeling like you need to apologize is part of life. But, it doesn’t have to be all of you. If you recognize that you are over apologizing and that it could in part be due to your anxiety, then you can begin to recognize the situations where you don’t need to apologize. You can cut yourself some slack. 

Seeking out help from a licensed mental health professional can help you to cope with these situations in healthy ways and to fully accept, embrace, and be proud of who you are.

How to combat parental anxiety

Of course, you are going to worry if you are a parent. You are, after all, wearing your heart outside your body. Your kids are your world and it terrifies you that something could happen to them. But, what if you are one of those parents who is constantly terrified to the point where it is hard to function in daily life?

Are you faced with overwhelming anxiety about your kids playing outside because they might get hurt, they might get abducted, or hit by a car? These are all valid worries but when they are all consuming they can get in the way of letting your kid be a kid. They can make it hard for you to sleep and function as a parent. And, that anxiety can rub off on your kids. So — what do you do? How can you combat parental anxiety?

Tips to ease parental worry

1.) Do your research. Yes, many times as parents we are told to stay away from the internet because it always points the worse, and yes that can be true. But, the internet can also be a resource. Of the 800,000 missing children, only 115 of them were taken by strangers (Psychology Today). What really are the risks? How likely is it that your child is going to be abducted from the front yard? How bad would it be if he/she/they broke their arm climbing a tree? Is it really the end of the world if they miss a night of sleep? Confront your fears as realistically as possible. 

2.) Teach your kids. If you talk to your kids and teach them the things they should be careful of then you have less to worry about. Teach them to not talk to strangers. Teach them to wait at the corner and look both ways before crossing the road. Teach them to stay on the sidewalk. Teach them to stay close to you, to be aware of their surroundings, to not give up personal information unless they know they have found someone safe (like a police officer or a doctor). Talk to them about their worries, their concerns. 

3.)Practice mindfulness and meditation when you are anxious. Take a moment with your child to listen to the sounds around you, count as you breathe in and out, and take in the small moments. Appreciate all the energy and the innocence and the beauty your kids bring to your life. 

4.) Take care to make things as safe as possible. If you have a pool, make sure it has a fence and make sure your kids know the pool rules. Make sure your kids know your phone number, secret words (in case someone else has to pick them up from school), address, etc. 

5.) Create a list. What are the pros and cons of parenting your child over-protectively? What do you want for them? What do you want to avoid? When you take some time to really think about it, it will help to put things into perspective. 

6.) Get help. If you can’t seem to work through your fears and anxieties, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. They can help teach healthy coping techniques and provide suggestions on how to move through anxiety rather than having it cause a roadblock. 

It is ok to worry. It is ok to be overprotective. But you don’t want it to interfere with yours or your child’s day-to-day life. It is impossible, sadly enough, to put your kids into a bubble and keep them safe all the time. They have to learn some of these things on their own and you can help to be their guide. 

People-Pleasing Versus Generosity

Do not mistake the two. They might seem similar but they are far from it. There are some big differences between people-pleasing and being generous with people.

People-pleasing is an unintentional behavior that often leads to avoidance, anxiety, resentment. It is full of fear of rejection and potential judgment of others. It comes from a place of wanting to fit in, to not make others mad, and to come off as someone different than we are. People-pleasing is often a factor in low self-confidence and feeling like we “have” to do something in order to make others like us.

Being generous comes from the heart. It is intentional. It is something we want to do. It is an action done not by trying to fill a void but because we genuinely enjoy doing it. 

People-pleasers are the ones who never say “no.” They often stretch themselves so thin that they have nothing left for themselves or for the things they really do want to do. This behavior often leads to an unhealthy lifestyle, and the placing of “self-care” on the back-burner indefinitely. People-pleasers rarely show their true feelings. They always have a smile on their face.

People who act out of generosity live a more fulfilled life. They feel good about the things they are doing. They don’t feel like they need or deserve, anything in return because the real return is in the value of what they are doing. 

So, while being generous and people-pleasing can both be seen as acts of kindness on the surface one is a healthy action while the other can lead to a toxic lifestyle. Make the decision to change your people-pleasing ways and live a happier, calmer life. Make 2019 the year of you. Do what makes you feel good. Be yourself, stop pretending, and appreciate you for all the beautiful things about who you are.

Let’s end the habit of decoding other people

Imagine a life that didn’t revolve around what you think another person is thinking. Or what you think another person wants or expects from you. It’s called people-pleasing and let’s make the conscious choice to end the habit. 

Imagine how less stressed and overwhelmed you would feel if you didn’t put so much energy into making sure everyone else is happy. There is a difference between doing things out of the goodness of your heart and doing things just to “look good.” Rather let’s stop hiding behind our fears of potentially upsetting someone, or not coming off as “perfect” as we think others should see us — and be ourselves. 

Ending people-pleasing means more time for ourselves. It means less worry over the upcoming get-together, the side dish you are bringing to dinner, the outfit you want to wear because it’s comfortable. When you do things because you truly want to do them they leave you feeling good, whereas a life of people-pleasing generally makes us feel resentful, bitter, and stressed. People-pleasing keeps us up at night. It makes us dread events, meetings, occasions that don’t have to cause us stress. 

Let’s start by being more self-aware. When you feel overwhelmed, stressed reevaluate the reasons why you feel that way, chances are much of it is because of the intense energy you are putting into pleasing others. Recognize what you need to do for yourself and stand up for you. It is ok to say “no” if something is stressing you out. It is ok to not perform an action in the exact way someone else expects you to. It could be as simple as choosing to not answer the phone or staying home to read a book instead of attending a party. 

What we are really telling our kids when we say “don’t worry”

I catch myself every once in a while telling my children to “not worry” when they are scared. It is almost instinctual. As a parent, of course, I wish my child would never have to worry about a thing, but that is not reality. When we tell our children to “not worry” it is like telling them they should not feel scared. We are telling them feeling scared is a bad thing. 

‘It is ok to be scared’

Instead of telling our children “don’t worry” when they are scared or concerned about something, we can replace it with something more reaffirming like “it is ok to be scared.” Because it is OK to be scared. We all get scared sometimes and we want our children to learn how to deal with those feelings, rather than to think they are wrong to feel that way.

It is also important that our children know what to do when they feel worried, or concerned, about something. If it is an external concern, such as a suspicious person or animal then we want our children to recognize safety—whether that be going to mom or dad, a teacher, or moving to a different location. By talking to them about what they should be doing at times when they are struggling with feelings of worry they will build healthy coping skills, and learn how to better take care of themselves in situations where mom or dad aren’t present. 

Feelings of worry or fear are part of our inner-being. They are important. It is our brain’s way of telling us to be careful, to tread lightly, to watch out. It is a protective mechanism. It is not something to ignore or shut off. 

Sometimes that worry or fear is caused by anxiety over something we might not need to be worried about, but acknowledging those feelings and learning how to calm ourselves down is also a very helpful skill. If we can help our children to learn and utilize these skills at a young age, it will help them to be more successful at managing their feelings as an adult.