Tag Archives: words

How to Curb Negative Self-Talk

We all do it — “how could I be so stupid?” “I am not good enough.” “I am so dumb.” Whatever it is. We all talk to ourselves negatively. And, even though we may brush off that talk as meaningless, it’s not. After a while, our brains start to believe these things, whether they are true or not. 

Words Are Powerful

It doesn’t take much of telling yourself you “can’t” or you are “not worthy” to believe it. The act of curbing negative self-talk can have a big impact on our overall mental health. We have this beautiful ability to lift ourselves up — or tear ourselves down — with our words. 

So what can do you do to start the journey of treating yourself better with your words? It is difficult, as any habit is, to change our ways but it is amazing what a few small changes can do for our self-esteem and overall personal satisfaction. 

First of all, start small. No one is going to completely eliminate negative self-talk. I mean, seriously, we all do things that we are not proud of. That is life. But, by doing better at cutting ourselves some slack and appreciating all the good in ourselves we can lead happier lives.

Start with a Post-it (I said small, didn’t I?). Write one positive thing down about yourself and stick it to the mirror, or on the back of your bedroom door, or on a phone case, wherever you are going to see it regularly. It might sound or feel stupid but trust me, after a while your brain absorbs it. It can be as simple as “you can do it” or “you are strong.”

Next, cut yourself some slack. You are human. You will make mistakes. You are not perfect, I am sorry to break the news but it is true. No one is. Instead of jumping to “I am so stupid” or “I can’t do anything right,” be real with yourself. So, you made a mistake. Tell yourself these things happen. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. If your friend broke a glass and immediately said “oh my gosh I am the worst,” what would you say? Likely you would tell that friend “It’s ok. These things happen.”

You can be in the driver’s seat when it comes to how you see (and talk to) yourself. 

Shut up and show up

Have you ever heard the phrase “shut up and show up?” There is a reason it exists and the underlying meaning can be a powerful reminder to all of us. It is saying stop all the talking, the broken promises, the excuses, the word vomit spewing from your mouth and instead show people you care through your actions. 

Actions speak louder than words. You can tell someone you care but until you actually step up to the plate with a kind gesture, a caring action, your words mean nothing. By “showing up” you are telling this person that you are here for them and that they are worthy of your attention, your time. 

Our time is a valuable commodity, especially these days. We are constantly flooded with media and overstimulated. Our attention and our minds are being pulled dozens of directions at one time. It is up to you to make the conscious choice, the conscious effort to put your actions where your mouth is. Show people what they mean to you by physically being there in some way or another. It doesn’t have to be anything drastic or over-the-top. Simple gestures like helping a friend who is hurting to run an errand, delivering meals to a sick family member, putting the phone down to watch your daughter’s dance recital, or getting up early to make your spouse breakfast—its these small gestures, these simple actions that show others you care. 

So stop promising to do this or to do that. Stop telling your friends or family you care and then skipping out on them. Instead, show up. Be there. Show them they are worthy. 

How do you show up for those you care for? 

What to say when we hurt somebody

So, here you are. You have done something that has hurt another. You feel horrible. You just want to fix things. Make everything all better. What should you say? What can you say?

Take ownership

First of all, talk. Talk to the person. Communication is key. You can’t run away from your mistakes. Tell them you are sorry. Be genuine. Don’t back up your “I’m sorry” with an excuse. You hurt someone. Take ownership. Ask them how they feel? Ask them what you can say to make things better. Listen to what they have to say. Look them in the eyes. Make sure you are in a quiet, uninterrupted space.  Ask them, explain to them how you can/will, change your actions in the future. This will help to open the door to how things might be repaired, if they are able. 

So often we apologize and then immediately jump into defending ourselves. We are trying to justify our actions and make ourselves feel better, but what is that saying to the other person? By justifying our actions we are saying we had a right to hurt this person. Of course, you want to protect yourself, but you still hurt another and you should take ownership of that mistake. Acknowledge you were wrong. No one is perfect. We all do things we wish we could take back. Look at how you have wronged another and grow. Learn. Really, truly apologize. 

Depending on how you hurt this person, and who the person is, repairing this relationship might be easy or impossible. But, regardless, of the end game. The best thing you can do to show another that they are valued and didn’t deserve what you did to them is to buck up and admit you were not right. End the excuses.