Human beings like intimacy. We need to be touched and to feel sexually-wanted and attractive. We want to experience the benefits of good old sexual pleasure—the release of endorphins, the natural stress buster. We want to feel good. These needs don’t end as we age, they might change a bit, but they don’t end.
I read an article the other day about an 83-year-old woman who is using the popular dating app Tinder to find much younger men to have sex with. In the article, she says “My life goal is to change the awful, decrepit view of aging – view and experience, and turn it into something exciting. A life-loving adventure. The depth of life, you can’t avoid it. But the shallowness of good sex, that’s what is good enough for me.”
I found her openness and her passion for life exhilarating. Who said that getting older meant you had to stop having sex? Or stop trying new things? Stop having adventures? Life is short and it is what we make of it. We can choose to enjoy it until the very last drop or we can decide to put an expiration date on certain behaviors because, well, we just don’t feel they are appropriate. But, let’s get real here. We are all human. We all enjoy connection. This is a very basic part of being a person that should be enjoyed to the very last drop.
Getting old doesn’t have to be depressing. Being older just means we have had more experience, we might be a little frailer or struggle with our health in ways we didn’t use to, but we are still on this earth. Each day gives us a whole 24 more hours to enjoy being on earth.
Take a tip from grandma Hattie, and love your life. Do what your heart desires. Enjoy being you.
It is important as a parent that you open the doors of communication about sexual assault and what exactly that means with your children. Starting the conversation early with them will help prepare them in case they are ever faced with an uncomfortable situation they aren’t sure of, and it will also help them to feel safe speaking to you about it.
In my past 10 years as a sexual assault counselor, I have coached many parents on having this extremely sensitive conversation. It is hard for both parties and there are a few things every parent should follow:
1.)Plan a time to sit down and talk as soon as possible. Don’t wait until your child hits puberty. They need to know what is right and what is wrong and what they can do to feel safe.
2.)Get your mental game in order. Before you even think about having this conversation think about the words: sexual assault. Say them. How does that make you feel? You want to make sure you are calm and collected when speaking with your child so you don’t make them more uncomfortable.
3.)Define sexual assault. Make sure you know exactly what sexual assault, rape, catcall, stalking, etc. means so you can explain it properly to your child. You might not want to think about it but it is important that you do. You are the leader of the family and you need to get comfortable before you approach your children.
4.)Know your resources and develop a protocol. Think about what you will do if your child discloses that he/she/they has been assaulted. Contact child protective services, visit a hospital or doctor for a Sexual Assault Evidence Collection Kit, more commonly known as a “rape kit,” to preserve evidence. In many counties the survivor has the option to press charges and they don’t have to until they are ready. Do your research.
5.) Know the rights of an assault survivor. Many states have survivors advocates. You can also contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. Take some time to do an internet search, write out your resources and your plan so you are more prepared for the worst.
This is an extremely difficult topic to approach with your child, but also extremely important. They need the correct information and the best place for them to get that is you. They need to know they have someone on their side who will fight for them if something happens. They need to know they have a safe place to turn.
Sexual assault is a very real thing, and unfortunately, sometimes our children fall victim to it. So why if they were hurt, would they not come forward and talk to us—especially since we are their parent. We love them and want to protect them, and it can be hard to understand why they would keep something like this a secret.
Similar to the reasons why our teens don’t open up to us, there are some obstacles to sharing this super sensitive and scary information. Not only is it uncomfortable to talk about but our kids fear they will get in trouble if they give all the details. Maybe it happened at a party they weren’t supposed to be at, or out with friends they weren’t supposed to be out with. They may have gotten drunk or did drugs and they fear consequences. They don’t want to be blamed for being a victim and they surely don’t want to get in trouble for being or doing things they know are wrong.
They also want to protect us. Our kids, believe it or not, love us similarly to the way we love them. They don’t want to hurt us and they don’t want to see us get upset. They want to protect us from distress. They know how upset their parents will be when they hear their child has been treated this way. Us parents don’t know how to deal with this kind of thing. We start to feel like we are to blame, we might have intense feelings of wanting to “kill” the perpetrator, we want to be reactive to the situation. There is no protocol to deal with this kind of horrible experience. Parents want to protect their children forever and always, and our kids don’t want us to feel like we aren’t doing that.
The best thing we can do is start the conversation with our children. Open the doors to communication so they feel that no matter what they can come to us. Be sensitive with them. Be calm. Let them know that if they are ever sexually assaulted they need to tell someone.
Check back tomorrow for our post on preparing to talk to your children about sexual assault, and opening those lines of communication.