If you are a person who is fearful of commitment, someone who enjoys being close to others but grows distant when the relationship becomes more emotionally involved, then you might struggle with attachment issues.
Many commitment issues stem from past relationship experiences and/or our attachment to our parents or primary caregivers as children. It all comes down to having our needs met and being confident that if for some reason a relationship doesn’t work out, it’s ok. The good news is even if you are a person who has a hard time moving forward in relationships, there is hope in overcoming these struggles. It just takes some effort on your part.
Moving Forward is Possible
Talk to a therapist. A licensed mental health professional has the proper training to help you move from unhealthy attachment styles to secure attachment. Proper counseling can help to heal the deep wounds that are causing you troubles now. Forming a secure relationship with a therapist can help to increase feelings of security and help make sense of the past.
The first part of overcoming attachment struggles is to identify the problem. You must first understand where these emotions are coming from so you can work to heal them. A therapist who asks the right questions can help you to identify aspects of your childhood that may have led to your current emotional state.
Second, it is important that whoever your partner is has a healthier attachment style. Being with someone who understands what a healthy relationship looks like can further help you to heal by developing more trust in others and how they will respond to your needs. That being said, you don’t need another person to heal, but if you are in a relationship try to choose a healthy one—one that makes you feel good, one that is not full of jealousy and insecurity.
Third, believe in yourself. You do have the ability to move forward and have a happy, committed relationship.
We all know someone who has trouble with commitment. You know the type—the serial dater, the person who suddenly stops calling or showing up when the relationship starts to progress. It can be frustrating for both sides.
There are a few reasons why a person might struggle with commitment. They may have formed an insecure attachment/avoidant relationship style. This type of personality style usually stems from a person’s childhood and their relationship with their parents or primary caregiver. Likely, as children, they felt as if their emotional needs were not being met and have since learned to not give as much weight to their emotions making it harder to get close to people. People with this type of attachment style tend to enjoy being in relationships but become uncomfortable when relationships get too emotionally close.
Another reason why someone might struggle with commitment is because of catastrophic thinking. They have severe anxiety about relationships and always think the worst— “it will never work out, why bother,” “I am going to be trapped,” “I am just going to get my heart broken,” etc. This usually stems from childhood experiences of seeing their own parents unhappy and arguing on a regular basis. Or, they may have had a series of bad relationships in the past that has led them to think nothing will ever work out. They have lost faith in relationships and are fearful of getting too attached.
It is, of course, difficult for both sides of the relationship when commitment troubles are a factor, but it doesn’t mean it is not possible to find love and to have true, meaningful relationships. It just might take some work. Meeting with a licensed mental health professional can help those struggling with commitment to identify the reasons why they might have trouble in this area and what can be done to move forward.
Is your teen falling for someone easily? Are they easy to pick a fight? They likely have an anxious attachment style.
Anxious attachment is something that develops when a child is young based on their relationship with their primary caregivers. In many cases it is a result of a parent who sometimes was very in-tune to their child’s emotional needs while in other cases was emotionally unavailable, creating confusion for the child on what to expect when turning to a parent. These children, as a result, often develop clingy tendencies as they have learned the best way to get their needs met is to cling to their parent.
As that child turns into a teen, that anxious attachment manifests in other ways—jealousy, insecurities, over-dependence on a partner. This can be dangerous to teens who instead of focusing on their self-growth become dependent on their relationships to determine their self-worth. They grow emotionally desperate and can become over-bearing for their partners. These teens and adults are often always looking for ways the relationship is going to end, anticipating that they will ultimately be rejected.
As a teen who is already going through a lot of changes and confusion in their life, anxious attachment puts them more at risk for unhealthy behaviors. They are more likely to do whatever they can to get the attention and acceptance of others around them, and likewise, they are deeply hurt and distraught at any actions of rejection. They become angry when they don’t receive the attention and reassurance they need from their relationships. It can lead to unhealthy patterns that can follow them through adulthood.
By recognizing that your teen may have an anxious attachment style, you can help them change their patterns and get the help they need to become confident, healthy adults. Licensed mental health professionals have tools to assist in helping teens to feel more comfortable in their skin, more self-confident, and secure. Your teen can be taught how a healthy relationship should look.