Tag Archives: success

You have Imposter Syndrome? Hey me too!

It is not uncommon to feel like an imposter in your own body. It is called Imposter Syndrome, and I have it too. It is this deep-seeded fear of being found out. Like you aren’t really good at what you are doing. Like you don’t deserve the success you have. 

These feelings do not discriminate, many successful men and women feel like they are a fraud. 

Actress Kate Winslet told The Mirror, “Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think, I can’t do this. I’m a fraud.” Actress Emma Watson told Rookie magazine, “It’s almost like the better I do, the more my feeling of inadequacy actually increases, because I’m just going, ‘Any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved.”

Actor Ryan Reynolds told Men’s Health that he feels like just a “freckled-face kid, faking it until I make it.” Even Tom Hanks said on the podcast Fresh Air that he worries when people are going to discover that he is “a fraud and take everything away from me?”

Why do we feel this way? Why is it so hard to believe that we are capable of such success? The reality is you have earned it but sometimes you struggle with your self-confidence. Evolutionary speaking, humans have an instinct to stay small to protect ourselves and our children. Being big can be uncomfortable, and vulnerable. If we stay small we feel like it is easier to hide. We aren’t in the spotlight, few people are watching. 

We focus on our goals, our values, but then, in the end, deny our own roles in our success. Why? Who are we comparing ourselves to? It is ok to not know how you became successful. To not know how you “pull it off.” Take a moment to really look at yourself and think about who you are stacking yourself up against and then stop. Stop denying that you are deserving of your success. 

If you really have no idea what you are doing—as many of us don’t— that is fine, keep doing it. That is where creativity comes from. 

Do you ever feel like an imposter? Why?

Source: https://www.instyle.com/celebrity/stars-imposter-syndrome#3163080

Ask Mabel: ‘I feel guilty for leaving home’

Letter from concerned client: I decided to leave my hometown and move to accomplish my career goals, and now I really miss my family. My parents are getting old and they don’t understand why I decided to leave and not stay with them. My mom has always told me to ‘live simple’ and despite not agreeing with my decision to move she still supports me. It makes me feel even more guilty, like I am letting them down.

Mabel: I understand your desire to make your parents proud. You said your mom wanted you to ‘live simple’ but still supports you in your goal, however hard it may be to attain that goal. It is a little like how I wanted my kids to enjoy playing music but instead, their interests are art and tennis. Even though art and tennis are not my desires, at the end of the day seeing my children enjoying and working towards their own goals makes me profoundly happy. For them, learning to master these things frustrates them a lot of the time but that is part of life and reaching a goal. You decided to move because it is important to you in the reaching of your goals, and it isn’t always easy. The process of living in a new place and working can be very frustrating. Your mother has a desire for you to live a simple and happy life because that is what she knows of happiness. Most of us mothers have our own desires, however, supporting our children in their own dream is a lesson in parenting. A lesson that it’s not about us but about the child. It is about learning how to love someone, and how to see the world beyond us. It is an important lesson for all us parents. My dream is for my children to soar in whatever they choose to do, even if I have little understanding of it. If guilt is something that weighs them down, like most mothers, I would love to take that weight off their shoulders so they can fly more freely. I am not sure if this is how your mother feels, but my hypothesis is that most mothers share these similar sentiments.  

Embracing interests can determine future success

Clients tell me all the time that they want the freedom to make their own choices, yet they are afraid to fail. Sometimes they end up stalling to prevent missteps that could affect their future. They don’t want to do things they enjoy because they think it is not “useful” on their resume or for their future career. 

Your personal path

Sometimes doing the things you enjoy even though you don’t think they are “useful” at the time end up leading you to bigger and better things. It takes exploring your interests to grow as people. Just because it doesn’t feel “useful” at the time to take the class, or learn the hobby, it can be the first sign of creativity. It can feel like you are wasting your time but in the end lead to greatness. It is all part of our personal path. Life experiences, learning moments, all help us to become who we are meant to be. It may not be easy. Other people may laugh or ridicule us for the things we have done but they are all important to our success—however big or small. 

Steve Jobs took a calligraphy class at Rice University. At the time he was about to be a college dropout and wanted to learn more because he was interested. When developing the first Macintosh computer years later, the attention to typefaces became one of the most important/sellable features of the computer. It was that leap that helped to get him to the success he eventually achieved. It was all part of his path. Every experience can be a learning experience. By avoiding failure or potential mistakes out of fear, you are depriving yourself of a learning moment that could later change your life. You never know until you try. 

Failure can be scary. There is no doubt about that, but don’t let that fear stop you.  Don’t let that feeling of making a mistake in your education stop you from doing the things you enjoy. You never know where your experiences will lead you. 

What interest have you followed that later helped you in life?

Don’t push others aside to win

There is a saying in Chinese that you only have two hands and if you use them to throw two knives, that will be no match for the hundreds of knives coming your way. The bottom line is don’t push others aside to be a winner. Don’t use both your hands to throw knives, instead take one—or both—of those hands and use it to hold the hand of another or to help a fallen comrade. Life is not a zero-sum game, no winner takes all.

There is a psychological impact of pushing others away to “win.” We think everyone is the enemy and everyone, in turn, looks at us as an enemy. It is a lonely existence. It isolates us and makes us bitter about life and the people that surround us. We can be successful without pushing others away, and we can enjoy that success with the people around us. We don’t have to enjoy it alone. 

In fact, some of the most successful people have gotten to where they are today because of the teams they have been part of, the family who have supported them and cheered them on, and the colleagues who have shared knowledge, ideas, and wisdom. 

Your ‘personal pit crew’

CEO advisor and author Mindy Mackenzie says everyone needs a “personal pit crew.” She cites that while many people think they can get to the top all on their own, almost everyone has a few “trusted advisors.” Not only can bouncing ideas off a friend help you to gain insight into what you might be missing, or what route you should be taking, but pushing others aside is going to hurt relationships.

An article by Huffington Post blogger Anat Shenker-Osorio says it well: “Humans are a social species. We are pack animals; we like to be together lots of the time. Some of our greatest joys and oldest cultural practices involve sharing: our homes with a stranger, bread and wine with friends, material goods with our families.”

The real winners in this game of life are the people who recognize they can’t do everything on their own. We need people in our court to lift us up, cheer us on, and be there when we fail. Because even the most successful people have failed at some point, just look at example three in our post on trusting yourself (LINK TO: http://womenstherapyinstitute.com/how-to-trust-in-yourself/)

Who is in your “personal pit crew?”

For More on:

The Personal Pit Crew visit Inc Magazine: https://www.inc.com/minda-zetlin/why-the-most-successful-people-.html

Huffington Post article visit: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/anat-shenkerosorio/handy-shortcuts-for-econo_b_491875.html

You have everything, why do you feel empty?

It has been all over the news lately. People who have achieved the ultimate success in life and yet they are depressed and sad. They feel unfulfilled, alone. The truth is, as a counselor I hear similar stories all the time. 

The things that make us feel alive in life tend to be the things we can’t buy with our success. They are our experiences, our opportunities, and our conscience when we go to bed at night. When I hear from clients that they have reached a high point in their career, they have achieved everything they have set out to achieve but they can’t shake this feeling of emptiness, I tell them to reevaluate their day. 

Reevaluate your day

Are they exercising? Exercise can do wonders for the brain. It releases feel-good hormones that lift us up and make us feel alive and confident. They help us to relax easier, let off steam, and sleep better. It is always good to find time to fit in some kind of movement a few times a week. 

Are they sleeping? Sleep is huge. Successful people tend to let it go in order to attain more success. They work long hours trying to finish projects and put their mental health on the back burner. 

What are they doing with their free time? Are they having time with family, with friends? Do they even have free time? Spending time with the people we love and care about, having a good laugh, letting go of the days events, can be so refreshing for the brain and the heart. 

What are you doing that you feel good about? When we do things to help people, animals, or causes we care about it lights a fire in us as people. It can be calling a grandparent, sending a sick friend a note, or volunteering at a soup kitchen or hospital. These are the things that help us feel fulfilled in life. 

Life is not all about having the house, the car, or the perfect job. It is about love and compassion. It is about taking care of yourself so that you can take care of others. 

If you can’t shake that empty feeling, it could also mean something more. It could mean depression, anxiety, or mental illness, so it is best to seek help from a licensed counselor who can help you figure out what is best for you.