Tag Archives: receive

Why do relationships fail when one partner gives too much?

To all those ‘givers’ out there, this post is for you. First of all, I think it is great that you are considerate of your partner and you want to make him/her happy. But, it is not always a good thing when we give too much. Now, I am not saying that you should just receive in a relationship, that is not good either. There needs to be a balance. 

It helps if you ask yourself — why are you so giving? What are you nervous about when you don’t give?

Giving is great, but it is possible to give too much. When you are always giving, or being the ‘do-er,’ in the relationship, it can come across to your partner that you are ‘in charge.’ Relationships aren’t expected to always be 50-50, but one person can’t always be the giver and the other the receiver. When you give too much three things can happen:

  1. Your partner feels like they don’t have an equal role in the relationship and leaves — they don’t feel like they are on the same level, like one partner is ‘higher’ on the scale than the other.
  1. Your partner becomes passive. They just go with the flow and don’t interject and don’t try to even the playing field because they know they can’t get to your level. They give up, which isn’t healthy for anyone. 

3.  The partner takes advantage of your good will. They think oh well he/she is going to keep on giving, then I am going to keep on taking. 

Regardless, in the end, most excessive givers/do-ers feel resentful because they feel like there is nothing they can do to help their relationship be successful. They go by the idea that “no matter what they do” they can’t help their relationship. 

The bottom line is the scales can’t always be in favor of one partner over the other. While it will rarely be equal, they need to fluctuate. Both partners need to feel like they are the do-ers sometimes. Both need to give at times and receive at others. 

How do you find balance in your relationships?

Acceptance vs. Tolerance in Relationships

There is a difference between accepting and just “tolerating” your partner. Relationships are hard. You are each your own person, you have your own personalities, your own similarities and differences. 

Love and Kindness

When you accept your partner you are wholeheartedly loving and receiving him/her. Acceptance comes from love and kindness. It comes from the heart. When you accept someone you have tolerance built-in. You are accepting your partner as they are and tolerating their imperfections because you love them and appreciate them. If you agreed 100 percent with everything your partner did it wouldn’t really be much of a relationship. No one is perfect. Everyone does things we don’t like/agree with but when you really love someone you learn how to tolerate those things. At least when they aren’t detrimental to the relationship as a whole. 

On its own tolerance doesn’t come from love or kindness. It is not stopping the other person’s behavior. It comes from external motivation — whether it be to not get into trouble or receive judgment. Tolerating another person often has resentment. It does not come from the heart. It does not come from a genuine concern or care for the other person. It comes from personal fear or gain. If you just “tolerate” your partner or their behavior you don’t really care about the backbone of the relationship, which is acceptance. 

In situations where I see a partner is just “tolerating” his/her partner’s actions, I encourage them to talk about it. To try to work towards acceptance. To minimize resentment, which can overtime build and ultimately destroy a relationship.