Tag Archives: healthy habits

Three reasons not to pay your children for chores

We have all heard the positive arguments for paying your children to do chores: it teaches them how to manage money, it is motivating, it gives them an allowance to use on things they want, and it teaches them responsibility. 

The other day this very question came up in my home and my therapist brain kicked in and said: “this is a bad idea.” But why is it so bad? Here are three reasons why you don’t need to pay your children for chores, and why it could actually be a bad idea. 

Here is why:

1.)It teaches children that love is transactional. When you pay your children to be helpful and do things they should be doing out of love, you are teaching them they should get money for being a helpful, kind, contributing member of the family. Family members should be stepping in to help each other. It shouldn’t be expected that you will get paid every time you do something for family.

2.)They won’t learn intrinsic motivation. Rather than teaching your children that they will feel good if they help, that it makes other people happy, and all those other internal feelings that should motivate them in life, you are teaching them to do something only if there is an external reward. They are learning to only be motivated by external forces, rather than the internal rewards that build character and shape them as adults. 

3.)They won’t get paid for chores as an adult. Do you get paid every time you clean the toilet or do a load of laundry? I don’t think so. So why set that expectation? Your children will need to take care of the yard, their homes, and their family’s needs without any external rewards. It is just something that needs to get done.

If you do want to give your kids an allowance, pay them for doing things that are out of the routine. Maybe you need help sorting something or working on a home project. Those are great times to “hire” your children. When it comes to the daily routine, leave money out of it. Instead, tell them how appreciative you are of them for helping out. Thank them. Give them a high-five or a hug, but leave the money to the special circumstances.  

Are we teaching our children to be perfectionists?

We have heard it our whole lives and now we are saying it to our children: “practice makes perfect.” In our minds we are encouraging our children to keep trying. We are telling them they will get better at a task the more they give it a shot. We are teaching them to not give up. But our children are hearing they need to be perfect, they should be perfect, there is no room for failure. 

I started thinking about this when my own daughter, at the young age of five, starting showing signs of being a perfectionist. She wanted to do everything perfectly and was highly frustrated when things failed. She saw herself as a failure. As a parent that was hard to witness. I knew she was just learning and through practice she would get better, but as with all things in life there was bound to be some failure along the way. 

A Hard Road

The life of a perfectionist is not an easy one. It is a hard road full of feelings of loneliness, sadness, and anxiety. The reality is that nothing is perfect so to task ourselves with such lofty expectations is exhausting.

So rather than continuing to tell our children that “practice makes perfect,” perhaps we may want to change it to “practice makes easy.” I mean that is really what we are trying to say anyway, right?

If you have a child who is showing signs of being a perfectionist there are some things you can do to help:

  • Provide your child with unconditional care and respect.
  • Try to keep their environment calm and structured.
  • Give lots of praise.
  • Avoid comparing your child to others.
  • Stay away from words like genius, brilliant, or perfect.
  • Help them to understand everything cannot be perfect.
  • Listen to them, talk to them.
  • Help them set realistic standards.
  • Let them know they are loved.
  • Provide them with opportunities to succeed and improve self-confidence. 
  • Explain to them that failure is an opportunity for growth.

The best thing you can do for your child is to let them know you are proud of them for trying their best, that is really the only thing we have control over, right?