Tag Archives: better

How do you know there isn’t someone better?

Someone asked me the other day — ‘how do I know I won’t find someone better than my partner?’ The person went on to tell me how they wanted to make sure there wasn’t a better choice before becoming exclusive with the person they had been seeing. 

The truth is, there is always someone “better” if you choose to think about it that way. You will always come across people that are more fun, funnier, handsomer, smarter, or whatever qualities you are looking for. Committing to another person is a choice. It is not based on all that external stuff. When you decide to go all in with another person, you are making the conscious decision to shut down all the external noise. Stop comparing him/her to that coworker, or the guy that works in the office down the hall. Shut down the date search, and that cute guy that keeps talking about having dinner with you. 

Choosing to commit is choosing to be with that one person— who probably isn’t always going to be the best in the room. But they should be the one that feels right for you. By committing you are choosing to accept that person as they are, and to close the door to the other options. If you spend your life always searching for the ‘best’ or the ‘better’ option then you will likely always find something, but will you be happy? 

When did you choose to commit?

Guilt is Grandiose

Guilt is defined, from a psychological perspective, as “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” The key part of that definition for me is the fact that guilt stems from this deep-seeded belief, or desire, that we are much more powerful in a moment than we actually are. Often times it is the belief that we could’ve done something to prevent the situation, even though in reality we couldn’t. It is grandiose.

The assumption that you were actually in control

Grandiose is the thought process that you are the “big fish,” you are “better than others.” When you feel guilty for something it is you assuming that you could have done better, that you are a better person than your old self. It is the assumption that you were actually in control in the moment. When the reality is you made a decision in the moment with what you had at the time. You decided to make the choice that you did with the information you had on-hand at the time. 

We are humans, we are not going to make perfect decisions all the time. Guilt is the assumption that you could have made the perfect choice.

We are only human. We act on our desires, our emotions, and while not always the best choice or the socially-acceptable choice, our decisions are part of us. No one can perfectly predict, or see every side of every situation in a moment. To think that we are capable of ignoring our human desires or predicting the future is a grandiose thought. 

Why do you think we feel guilty?

Research sources for this post:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame

What is Grandiosity?

How to forgive yourself

We all do things we are not proud of. We wish we could turn back time and change it all. Unfortunately, time travel has not yet been invented (I am still holding out for the future!). Instead, we are stuck with feelings of regret, sadness, and anger that do no one any good. Those feelings won’t fix anything. They just leave you feeling awful about yourself. You need to forgive. 

Forgiving yourself is not an easy thing. You see what you did wrong and it can be hard to look past those moments, those actions. It could be something small or it could be something huge, life-changing, but in order to go on and live a productive, happy, fulfilled life you have to forgive yourself. You have to let go of the past. You have to strive to do better in the future. 

You have to let go of the past

If you are having trouble forgiving yourself, and you are dwelling on the past, here are some tips to help you begin the process: 

1.) Identify the lesson learned — What did you learn from making that mistake? Every moment of regret is a moment to learn from, it is a moment to make positive changes in your life. 

2.) Realize the past is the past — It seems cut and dry, of course, the “past is the past” but it can be hard to come to terms with. Say to yourself you cannot change the past, it is over, what is done is done. Accept it. Look to the future, set positive goals for yourself, strive to not make the same mistake again. 

3.) Give yourself a re-do — So, we have determined you cannot physically go back and change the past but you can think about how you would have done it differently. Write down what you would do if you could go back, and then in the future, you will have that memory to fall back on. 

4.)Change your thinking — Identify your morals and values as they are now. Focus on those and replace your negative thoughts with ones that are in accordance with your current values. 

5.) Do something kind— You may not be able to fix what happened in the past, but you do have control of the now. Make an effort to do something kind for someone else. It will help to boost your self-esteem and show you that you are nowhere near as bad and horrible as you feel like you are. 

6.) Recognize you are doing your best — We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Sometimes the mistakes we feel we made were the result of us doing the very best we thought we could at the moment. Sometimes there are emotions or actions that are affecting the way we react to situations. 

7.) Love yourself — Write down three positive things about yourself. Chances are you are feeling much worse about the person you are than you actually are. Everyone has good in them. Everyone has the ability to be a good person. Recognize the things you have done for others, and the things you are proud of and start loving yourself again. 

If you are still having trouble turning the page on the past, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. They can work with you to identify those positives and help you to dig deep inside and forgive. You deserve to be loved by you.