Category Archives: Marriage

Cyber Cheating: What to do

With the rise of the digital age “cheating” has taken on a new form. Now more than ever husbands and wives are catching their spouses having romantic interactions online. Cyber cheating has many forms including chatting with an ex through social media, watching porn, sexual or romantic online chatting with a stranger, using dating apps to chat with others but not hooking up outside of the app, and sexting. 

To the guilty party it might not seem like they are actually cheating because they aren’t meeting up with the people they are interacting with online, but to the one being affected, it still hurts. Cyber cheating is still a form of betrayal, dishonesty, and still has the ability to ruin a marriage. It is common for the cheating person to deny what they are doing as cheating, and to come up with excuses such as “if life wasn’t so stressful,” “if I got enough sex,” “I am only flirting,” or “it means nothing.”

What do you do if you catch your spouse cyber cheating?

No matter how you discovered your spouse cheating, the first thing you need to do is talk to he/she about it. If there are kids in the house, choose a time when they are asleep or get a sitter and go somewhere where you can be uninterrupted. Talk to your spouse. Tell them what you saw and ask them to explain. Tell them how it makes you feel. You need to lay out the details, and then  take some time to think. You need to decide if there is a way to go on. What do you want? What would make you feel better? 

There is no easy fix. Recovering from an affair is a major hurdle for any couple. The intense feelings of betrayal, hurt, and distrust can linger long after the affair has ended. This is a great time to seek the help of a licensed counselor to help talk things out and determine what works emotionally for each of you. A counselor can help you to evaluate your relationship with a clearer lense. 

How to be in a happy relationship

Frequently I have clients ask me how to be in a happy relationship. Usually, after much discussion, we come up with the solution to a happy relationship as not being “obliviously comfortable.” The idea is you need to be your authentic self, comfortable in your skin, having the freedom to truly and deeply be you, but you also need to tune-in to your partner. 

A relationship is typically composed of two people, not just one. So you can’t be happy if you are not thinking about the other person. It is just not possible. That means being mindful, not oblivious, to their thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, and who they are as an authentic self. You can’t expect them to change to conform to you, although some of being in-tuned to your partner is making sacrifices. There is a difference between sacrificing and making adjustments for your significant other, and changing who you are. 

Being in-tune with your partner

You need to be comfortable to be happy, but that does not mean you will never be uncomfortable…if you get my drift. You need to be able to be you, to feel safe to be you, to not have to hide your inner being, but that does not mean never adjusting to please your significant other. It takes work from both sides to be happy. For example, a wife dislikes sports and a husband dislikes going to concerts but the two of them would like to start doing things together more often. They aren’t getting the quality time they need. So, they make a deal. The wife will go to a sports game or watch a game on TV with her spouse so they can have time together, and the husband will agree to attend a concert with the wife. It is a small sacrifice for the good of the relationship. 

Another example might be the wife gets up early every day to run while the husband chooses to hit the snooze button a 1000 times before rolling out of bed. Instead of making a lot of racket when getting out of bed, the wife gets out quietly and is respectful of the husband. It is about being in-tune with her husband’s need to get more sleep. There are many many examples, but the bottom line is you can’t be happy in a relationship without effort from both sides. You need to open your eyes, your ears, and your senses. No one is the exact same, we all do things a little differently.

 

Connecting with loved ones at bedtime: It is good for your health

A healthy bedtime routine with the people we love can be a smart way to close off the day. To let go of stress, and rest peacefully.

Whether it is cuddles with a child, a bedtime kiss, laughing and talking with a spouse, feeling physically or emotionally connected to those we love can decrease cortisone levels and stress-related health risks. It is a routine that everyone in the home can look forward to, and it is a nice way to put some finality into the day…to know you are not alone in this busy life, and tomorrow is a new day. 

A psychological scientist at Wayne State University explored the link between cortisol levels—also known as the stress hormone—and physical health. Cortisol is present in nearly every cell of the body, impacting learning, memory, and emotion. It also helps to regulate the immune system. The scientist Richard Slatcher found the more connected to their relationships people felt, the healthier cortisol levels they had. 

A Healthy Bedtime Routine

Some ideas for a healthy bedtime routine may include:

1.) Exchanging “I love you’s.” This is a good habit to get into because as much as we feel we don’t need to always say it, it helps to hear it and know your children or spouse mean it. It is healthy for everyone. 

2.) Go to bed at the same time as your spouse. This provides time to reconnect, even if only for a few minutes. It is time where it is just the two of you. Even if it is a few exchanges about your day or some more intimate cuddle time, maybe a laugh or two, it is a good healthy habit and keeps you both on the same page. 

3.)Unplug. Bed is not the place for your phone or laptop. Leave that stuff at the door. This is time for your marriage, for your children. 

4.) Prioritize getting a good nights rest. Try to go to bed at an early enough time to get ample sleep. Better sleep means better mental and physical health, and better handling of stressful situations. 

5.) Don’t try to settle arguments. The old saying “don’t go to bed angry” is not always true. Not everything has to be fixed before getting some shut-eye. In some cases, it can be better to get some good rest and then reassess in the morning when you are refreshed and focused. 

6.) Take a few minutes to practice gratitude. Think about one good thing that happened in your day and share it with your spouse or your kids. It will leave the day on a happy note and improve overall mental health. 

Judgment Vs. Feedback: How to tell the difference

We often get upset when people tell us things about ourselves. We get defensive, we hold it in, we let it fester, and internalize our feelings. But, is it always bad? There is a difference between being judged by others and getting constructive feedback.

Feedback is usually given by people who have a positive relationship with you, they care about you—maybe it is your mom telling you to stop letting your child sleep in bed with you. It might feel like a judgment but really it is because she cares for you and your child and wants you to get rest and have a healthy relationship with your spouse. Or maybe a friend doesn’t think your hair looks good a certain way. Maybe he/she is trying to be helpful because they know how beautiful you were with a different style.

Judgment is often unkind

Judgment, on the other hand, is not about caring for one another and is often unkind. It is often people that don’t really know you and are just making statements they have no right making. It is the random person sitting next to at McDonald’s telling you to keep your kid quiet, not because you aren’t trying to care for your kid but because the person is annoyed. It is the man at the grocery store eye-balling you for reprimanding your child because he doesn’t agree with how you handled things, but it is not his business.

Feedback is the stuff we should take a few minutes to think about and if we don’t agree that is fine, but don’t let it eat you up inside. Judgment is the stuff you should let go of because it is not in your best interest and has nothing to do with genuine care for your health or that of your family’s. It is the stuff that is out of place and unnecessary.

Regardless, it is never a healthy habit to hold our emotions in and let them stew over time. That just makes you unhappy, increases stress levels, and doesn’t solve the problem. If you need help distinguishing between feedback and judgment, talk it out. Talk to a friend, a counselor, a family member. Express your feelings, don’t let them eat you up inside.

When your wife “doesn’t love you anymore”…

We get it. It is earth shattering when your wife tells you something is wrong with your marriage. You might have thought everything was good and bam! You are blind-sighted. 

Rome doesn’t take one day to build. Things may have lost connection long before you noticed. Somewhere along the way, things got lost, and your wife doesn’t feel like she wants to—or can—open up to you. Resentment may have built along the way. Maybe you were too busy to notice she was acting different, more distant from you. 

Repairing what is broken

Take a deep breath, and consider these five tips:

1.)Don’t try to fix it. Fixing it is more about your own anxiety about what is happening with your spouse than your relationship with your spouse. Listen.

2.)Stop being defensive. Both parties had a role in the unfolding of this relationship. This is not one-sided and it does not help anything to think or act like it is. Accept and understand there are things both of you need to improve if you want to make this work. 

3.) Don’t ambush her. Every time you see her in the hallway or the kitchen don’t turn it into an in-depth conversation about the state of your relationship. It is no doubt a stressful time but there is a time and a place to talk. Find a time when you are both ready to sit down, and not feel pressured or rushed. Don’t make it constant.

4.)Don’t expect, or try, to jump right into the lovey-dovey stuff like before. Try for liking each other first. Things are not going to go from 0-60 in an instant. This stuff takes time. Instead take it slow.

5.) Don’t try to dig out alone. A qualified couples counselor can help you through it. A counseling office can provide neutral territory and a counselor can make sure the right questions are being asked. 

This is a difficult time, but marriage isn’t supposed to be easy. This stuff takes work and effort from both parties. Take the time. Talk. Listen. Open your mind to understanding. Come up with a plan. Call a qualified counselor, such as Women’s Therapy Institute where we can help. 

Why do we lie?

We have always been taught lying is bad. It is socially unacceptable. It is wrong. Good people don’t lie. But, let’s get real here—everyone does it. 

There are the bad lies. The ones that could be detrimental to the future of your relationships, the ones that could ruin your image and unravel your life as you know it. Then there are the ones that don’t seem as significant—“I was late because I was stuck in traffic” but really you were distracted by your phone or the dishes in the sink. There are a million reasons for someone to choose to tell a lie. 

So why do we do it?

Lying is a means of wanting to keep a relationship but in a conflict-avoidant way. Humans are social animals, we crave love and connections—who wants to spoil that? We lie because we are wanting to remain loved, and avoid rejection. We lie because the truth is painful to others, we lie because we don’t want to start an argument, we lie because it is easier. And, we lie because in our minds we believe the truth would be unacceptable to the person we are lying to. We lie to please others. If you have ever faked an orgasm, you have lied.  

Lying is ingrained in us. It is part of our cognitive evolutionary biology (according to Psychology Today). It has become a tool in our survival kit. It appears in young children when they throw fits to get attention and only grows as we move into adulthood. 

That doesn’t mean it is ok to lie, of course, it isn’t, but it is part of being a human. 

Many times people lie to protect their own egos, making it easy to convince themselves what they are doing is ok. They are ashamed and are afraid of the consequences, like when a friends husband told her he was dieting and she later discovered an arsenal of donuts and cookies in the trunk of his car. It is isn’t that he was dishonest across the board, but he wasn’t mature enough to own up to the fact that he didn’t really want to participate.

It can become a vicious cycle if you let it. If you do find that a spouse is lying to you in a repetitive fashion, the best way to handle it is to talk about it—let them know how you feel but be careful not to throw hurtful things in their face. After all, the reason they didn’t come clean, to begin with, is that they want your acceptance. 

What To Do When Your Partner Is Suffering From Depression

We get it. This article gets your attention because your partner is suffering from depression or anxiety, or other mental illness. And you don’t know what to do about it.  Mental illness drives a wedge into your relationship and family life. It’s not hopeless, here are a few things you can do now.

1) Don’t jump into “fix it” mode and offer “solutions”. We understand, your spouse is feeling depressed and you want to fix it quickly and move on. Maybe you feel helpless for not knowing what’s going on. Maybe you feel nervous that your spouse might harm him/herself. Going into “fix it” mode is more about easing your own anxiety and it’s not about your spouse. Your spouse isn’t stupid, he/she can feel it and he/she would instinctively put up a defensive wall which disconnects you two further. ”Fix it” mode only isolates your partner further.

2) Listen. Like take a deep breath and truly listen…even when it’s hard. A big part of mental illness is isolation. We humans are social animals, we are not meant to be isolated. By truly listening to your spouse can help connect you two, and help him/her feel less isolated. When you get the person out of isolation, you beat 50% of the mental illness’ game.

3) Identify MVP. In tech world, there’s something called MVP – Minimally Viable Product. In everyday household, there’s MVP too – Minimally Viable Process – core chores/processes that make the household function minimally. Identist the core tasks that make the household function and only focus on those. You two are going through some rough time now, and now is not the time to stress about the small stuff.

4) Identify which MVP each of you can handle. We understand, the dishes are piling up. Things can get overwhelming when one spouse is going through rough times. Identify what MVP each of you can handle, have a game plan, write it down, and break down tasks into small chunks.  It’s much easier to handle it little by little.

5) ASK, “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” This is a hard question, I know. Many people wonder if asking this question would “encourage” the depressed person to kill him/herself. The answer is NO. If a person has a will to live, he/she wouldn’t comit suicide even if you ask that question. If a person is suicidal, that question can save a life. How you ask the question is key. When you feel nervous asking that question, your spouse would lie just to keep you calm. You need to keep calm and provide a safe space for the person to be forthcoming. Go to the mirror now, take a deep breath, and practice 100 times the question, “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” until you feel less nervous about it.

Get your partner to the hospital, and stay with him/her. Tell him/her that you really care that he/she is ok and that you will stay with him/her through this.

If you feel uneasy asking the question, see #6 below.

6) Call a mental health professional, please.  A proper diagnosis and treatment would make a world of differences for your spouse and you (and the whole family). A qualified mental health professional will do suicide assessment, help with mapping out the unhealthy thoughts/feeling/behavior pattern, and strategize an action plan to disrupt that unhealthy pattern. Therapists at Women’s Therapy Institute are qualified mental health professionals that can help both of you get back on your feet.

You don’t need to do this alone when your spouse is suffering from mental illness. Give us a call. We work with men too.

 

Disclaimer: The articles in my blog are a matter of my opinion and perspective. They are meant to be educational only. Because they are general in nature, they should NOT be used as a substitute for getting qualified professional psychological, medical, or legal help should serious need arise. Please seek mental health or medical treatment from a qualified healthcare professionals.